First of all, I am not trying to offend anyone or call anyone out (but you know who you are). I know you will tear me apart in the comments section below for being a jerk (but I never read your comments anyway because I can’t handle constructive criticism and/or bitchy personal attacks so HA comment away!) but I am just trying to identify some people that we all have to deal with in class. I won’t promise I have never said any of these things, but I try really hard not to be a douchebag in class unless it’s a really long class and I get bored. Here are some common obnoxious classmates:
- The I-am-smarter-than-famous-philosophers. Common quote: “I know that Locke was like, really smart and stuff, but I really think I could write a better essay about the state of nature and why the government should protect property and maybe someday a fledgling nation would look to my doctrines to inspire them for their Declaration of Independence.” Look, I know you are smart and you probably have a good grade in the class. But your philosophical works have not been widely read and published yet, nor are you famous, nor is this even a philosophy class, so suck it up that Locke annoys you. He’s famous, he’s allowed to piss people off.
- The I-have-a-problem-with-that. Common quote: “I’m offended by this because it is racist/fascist/anarchist/socialist/capitalist/pacifist/Calvinist/I hate everything.” This person will pick something innocuous in any text or any comment and blow it out of proportion. It might be because they are bored, which I can understand, or it might be because they are a dick. Which I can also kind of understand.
- The wait-I-wasn’t-listening. Common quote: “Uhhh can you repeat what you just said twice already like another four times for me?” At least pretend you know what is going on. You can ask the person next to you. But if you keep the asking the professor to repeat things, eventually they will either realize that you aren’t actually “taking notes” on your laptop or they will assume that you are dumb as a doornail.
- The I-have-a-totally-unsolicited-remark-listen-to-me-anyway-please. Common quote: “Yeah this actually relates to important things that I have to say because I want to hear my own voice saying big words.” If it is a lecture class and the professor says specifically that it is NOT a discussion based class, they probably don’t want to hear what you have to say. Stop raising your hand.
- The this-is-a-totally-irrelevant-comment-but-I-don’t-care. Common quote: “this poem about the raven and the ghost of the poet’s ex-girlfriend reminds me of this one time that I milked a goat in Uzbekistan because…” If it’s a boring class, this student is your best friend. If you actually care about the subject, you probably want to throttle them on a regular basis.
- The I-know-how-to-use-big-words. Common quote: “Antidisestablishmentarianism. Boom! Floccinaucinihilipilification. Boom! Acervuline. Boom! Afflatus. Boom! Cumulonimbus. Boom! Degringoladé. Boom! Nailed it.” These are real words, you can click the links for definitions. I have never actually heard any of these words used in class, but I think you get the gist. Unfortunately, no one actually understands these students (including the professor) so they kind of just look smug for the rest of class because no one wants to actually challenge them on their use of “Sesquipedalian”.
If you do these things, I hate you. So does everyone else in your class.