It’s Monday night, which means if you’re anything like me, you’re curled up in a sweaty pool of regret, desperately doing the reading  you ignored all weekend while intermittently clenching your fists and bellowing “CURSE YOU, UNKNOWABLE UNIVERSE!” up at the sky. Well, bellow no more, friends, because the Thrill‘s got you. From now until the end of the semester, we’ll be offering illustrated summaries of  the books most frequently found on Kenyon syllabi (and hurled across the length of Kenyon dorm rooms by unwilling readers with 70 pages left to read by 9:40). 

Tonight’s selection? F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic 1925 novel The Great Gatsby. Remember, kids, actual reading’s for chumps. (All illustrations courtesy of the illustrious Olivia Grabar Sage)

Nick tells the story of Gatsby. Gatsby is new-money rich and throws dope parties, but is v. shady.

Gatsby <3s Nick’s old-money h@wtie cousin Daisy.

Daisy loves Gatsby but is married to Tom. Tom, a major-league d-bag, is cheating on Daisy with Myrtle, who’s married to Wilson.

Gatsby and Daisy start doin’ it.

Tom finds out, is pissed, takes everyone on weird drive to New York, confronts Gatsby. Gatsby admits he <3s Daisy – Daisy won’t leave Tom.

Daisy and Gatsby drive home. Daisy hits Myrtle with car, killing her. Gatsby takes blame.

Wilson finds out Myrtle and Tom were boning, goes nuts, kills Gatsby and himself.

 Nick throws huge bummer of a funeral for Gatsby — in doing so, finds out Gatsby was just a regular dude all along. It’s sad.

End of novel.  

You’re welcome.