So All-Stu sends out a lot of emails. I mean a lot. My inbox is so full I’m pretty sure I could launch the digital equivalent of an archeological expedition and still only make through to January before I died of exhaustion (or , you know got bored. Whichever comes first.) Some of them contain valuable information or upcoming events I’d like to go to. But not many. In order to get an idea of how often to pay attention to All-Stu emails, here is a random smattering some of recent emails and their appropriately ranked relevance:
Re: Moodle Planned Outage for 3:00 A.M. Tuesday
- I hopefully will never, ever have a reason to be on Moodle at 3 in the morning. If I am, it’s for one of two reasons: I have a paper overdue and 3 AM is the soonest I can get it in, or I left myself logged in at the library. Either way, it’s not going to end well.
Re: Registration for Local Lenders 5k Walk/Run!
- HAHAHAHAHA…AllStu thinks I can walk 5k. That’s adorable. I consider rolling out of bed and going to the bathroom an epic struggle against the laws of physics and my own apathy. My laziness is rivaled only by my hatred for gravity. So thank you for the vote of confidence All-Stu, but I’ll pass.
Re: Rising Sophomore Web Registration Dates
- Aha, we have a winner! Something actually relevant to my life! Now I just need to figure what what I want to take next year. Or major in. Or do with my life. Yep, here comes the existential crisis.
Re: “BROPHOBIA” Dessert and Discussion–TOMORROW
- Hmmm..do I have to go to this? I might have to go to this, I just joined the ADs…and there is free food…No, wait! In the words of the revered Admiral Ackbar “It’s a trap!” Clearly they’re trying to lure people into their panel with free sugar. But it is free…and I might have to go to it anyway, no, REMEMBER ACKBAR!!
Re: Summer Sendoff Schedule:
- Hmph, this is a tricky one. Is this useful information? Most definitely. Will I be sober enough to actually avail myself of it? That remains to be seen. So while this is relevant, it’s not as relevant as it could be.
All in all, this brings us to a total average relevance of 2.5 out of 5. So All-Stu could have been worse, could also have been better. (Looking at you there 5K email. Pick up the slack). And so, back to sort out the countless open countless emails in my quest for relevance. Seriously, I feel like I’m trying to find a diamond in a sewage plant.