Do’s and Dont’s Around Prospies and Tour Groups

the shining twins at kenyon

“Welcome to Kenyon. Come play with us.”

The sudden influx of the prospie-parent dynamic duos this week has doubled Gambier’s population and has likely sent your pansy-ass into an original case of culture shock.  And you just got over the Amish invasion. Cool your jets man, we’re here to help. A few tips on prospie/tour group etiquette:

Do: Stop Being Awkward. Look, the main idea of admissions tours is to represent the appeal of the motherland. Despite the fact that you may have just gotten a face full of fanny-pack as 20 parents and their charming offspring tried to squeeze past you, it’s still not ok to park it square center on Middle Path à la the twins from The Shining.

Don’t: Broadcast The Weekend Oopsies. Most parents on tours are experiencing the beginning effects of empty-nester syndrome, which means that your pealing declaration of, “I don’t remember shit from last night, bro” just escalated into “I woke up in a hollowed-out tree stump in the middle of the woods surrounded by goons with machetes.” Ouch.

Do: Photobomb. Hey, you’re already half-a-step away from gracing the family snapshot in front of Ascension—might as well make it foxy. What better way to say welcome to Kenyon than to crash the 2013 Christmas card?

Don’t: Lose Your Prospie. Yeah we know, they’re rascally little things–but you’re no Tom Hanks and nobody wants to have a “Saving Prospie Ryan” moment.

15 responses

  1. This brings to mind a question I used to ask at parties and I believe you should do a blog post on: What is weirder, sleeping with a prospie or sleeping with a townie?

    • You know what makes Kenyon students look really great? Using the phrase “townie” and implying that it’s embarrassing to sleep with someone who — gasp! — resides in the Mount Vernon area but doesn’t attend Kenyon.

      • Agreed. I would say stop being an elitist jerk, but I also realize that’s what Kenyon runs on. Elitism.

      • Yawn. There is a grand old tradition of active college students at colleges EVERYWHERE holding themselves apart from the local population. This has nothing to do with Kenyon particularly, this has everything to do with upper class privilege and the general asshattery of college students in general.

        By the way, I slept with a townie while I went to Kenyon, and it was great. So. I feel okay with the fact that I asked this question.

      • WORD. Even though college elitism isn’t specific to just Kenyon, we can choose to not be total elitist asshats.

      • Oh wow I’m so proud of you reaching out to the local towns folk through sex. I’m glad you’re continuing to be proud of your us vs. them stance now that you’re outside of Kenyon and justifying it because ‘hey sometimes other people are dicks so if I’m one it’s fine”.
        By the way, qualifying your statement with one time I slept with blah blah blah blah doesn’t make what you said any less shitty or okay.

    • What is with all of these obnoxious alumni putting in their rude and outdated two-cents. Go live your life post-Kenyon.

      • Riiiiiiiight. Because YOUR post Kenyon life will be SO EXCITING that you’ll never, say, have a bored moment at work where you follow a Facebook link, read an article, and leave a comment. That’s right, you are a special snowflake and YOUR life post-graduation will be DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!

        How cute!

        You guys seem like you’d be really fun at parties, by the way.

      • At the very least I won’t have such a shitty elitist outlook on the most fundamental level. So -no- I would never be in the same situation you described above because I would never think the way you do in the first place about other residents of the area. It has nothing to do with anyone being a special snowflake but simply being humble. “I slept with a townie” doesn’t give you some sort of right to ‘otherize’ members of any community, ever.

      • just a question… did you locate the term “asshat” in that email from the president of the gamma sorority? if so, applause.

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