Right now is cram time not just for finals but also for figuring out what the hell we’re going to do with our summers. I’m in the midst of interviews with several internships that I both really want but am incredibly scared of. I can feel myself talking at the person on the other end essentially saying, “These are all the words I know please listen to them.” Now, in all honesty, the interviews have been going fine, but I let my anxiety get the better of me and am constantly thinking of questions that interviewers could ask me that I have absolutely no idea how to answer. Why go to sleep when you can spend time lying awake in bed thinking about escape routes in important conversations? Here are some things to say in an interview when you’re not actually qualified to answer.
- Waitressing. Have you ever had experience working in a restaurant? No. But I have carried plates of food to a variety of places (my bed, bathrooms, libraries). Granted, most of the these times I’ve been taking food away from people into somewhere private where I can eat pizza and cry. But I’m sure I can adapt.
- Retail. What qualities do you have that make you a good fit for working in retail? Well, I’ve spent a lot of time on the other side of the cash register. So much so that one time my debit card froze because the bank viewed my rushed flurry of Etsy purchases as “suspicious.” So.
- Internship. Describe a time that you have worked as a team: One time in middle school my friend fell asleep so we all worked together to stick things in her mouth. We started with chips and stuff and then we decided to put a glow stick down in there and she rolled over and bit it and all the fluid inside the stick got everywhere and in her mouth and we had to rush her into the kitchen so we could wash off her tongue and she’s fine now I guess. I’m sorry what was the question?
- Volunteer Work. Describe an act of altruism that you’ve done in the last month: Oh my gosh where do I even begin? Just yesterday I decided to buy one of the stray kittens that a feral cat on campus gave birth to. My parents said no but that doesn’t stop me. I work hard to fight the oppressive forces that are determined to sustain this country’s widespread issue of animal cruelty. I’m looking at you, Mom.
- Camp Counseling. Do you enjoy working with kids? No. I mean. Yes? God I can’t even fake this one. Kids are the worst. Hello?