Hey, what if this were a list where I just ranked all the people I know in order of how I feel about them right now? That would be fun, right? Unfortunately, it’s not — read on for a roundup of the noble, pure-hearted, almost-all-anonymous individuals who are currently making my finals week even a little bit bearable.
1. The One Other Guy in Gund Ballroom With Me At 5 A.M. If you weren’t here, this would be my train of thought – “What’s that sound? Is it a serial killer? It’s a serial killer. Oh God, he’s going to serial-kill me and nobody’s around to stop him. This is the way the world ends.” You keep my SVU-induced paranoia at bay while validating my life choices– when I look at you, hunched over your laptop as we exhaustedly greet the sunrise, I feel like slightly less of an academic boat explosion. But only slightly.
2. The Girl In Line Behind Me At The Market Who Doesn’t Judge. You’re buying Greek yogurt, green grapes and multigrain pita chips. I’m buying Slim Jims, candy corn and a bag of glazed doughnuts that I spent 8 minutes choosing over the powdered ones. We both know who wins the “Functional Human Woman” award tonight — thank you for averting your gaze as I pay for my purchases. Don’t look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.
3. The Prof Who Made Me Feel OK About Falling Asleep In A Chair Outside His Office. I don’t think professors put furniture outside their offices hoping, “With any luck, a greasy, hoodie-clad adult-baby will someday curl up here after her 1:10 and spend the next 3 hours drooling her way through office hours.” Still, the last professor whose space I invaded was so nice about my weird impromptu coma, he almost made believe that’s what the chair was there for. [Ed. — It wasn’t. Nap at home, kids.]
4. The Lady Who Let Me Semi-Lennie Her Pug Outside WiggleGround. Ma’am, I was coming off 7 straight hours in Olin – you have no idea how stoked I was to pet a small, furry creature. Sorry if it got weird when I kept determinedly petting the dog for 2 full minutes, and you warily half-smiled and started subtly yanking at his leash. I’m usually semi-able to pick up on basic human social cues.
5. Sarah Hobbs ’15. Thank you, Sarah, for bravely turning in the Gap Trail masturbator — you made the Gap Trail safe for all the stress-relieving jogs I’m not going on because I’m busy chain-eating Slim Jims and falling asleep in chairs and over-petting strange dogs. I’ve seen other people heading down there, though, and they seem to be enjoying themselves, so — props.