An accurate new cover for Infinite Jest

The end of the academic year is upon us, and, much like at the end of the calendar year, many Kenyonites are making resolutions to totally do stuff this summer. You know, just, like, living up the summer, making the most of it, man. Because you only get so many summers before you don’t get a break anymore, and the only thing you’ll totally be doing is getting those TPS Reports to Lumbergh (Just kidding, we all know Kenyon students don’t get desk jobs. Talk around the water cooler doesn’t focus on the merits of Tocqueville in today’s American landscape). Anyway, these are some things that’ll totally be done by your classmates while you’re sitting at home watching the new Arrested Development episodes.

Working Out: This is the most New Year’s-esque of the summer resolutions. You’ll have so much free time in the summer! Your internship won’t tire you out at all, right? Every day you’ll get up early, go for a little run, do some abs, and by the time you get back to the ‘Bier, you’ll look positively statuesque.

Reading Infinite Jest: The marathon of modern literature holds a special place in the collective heart of Kenyon. There’s no better time to work your way through the book’s 388 endnotes (some of which contain their own footnotes). My money’s on you getting a hundred pages in and then quitting. No offense, but no one enjoys heavy reading in the summer.

Spending More Time Outdoors: Summer is when Mother Nature is in her best mood. No freak storms, no blizzards, no tornadoes, just plain old sunshine. And heat. And humidity. Oh God the humidity. I just stepped outside and I’m already sweating. Is that a hornet’s nest? Oh look, they’re coming towards me. They look angry. I’m getting stung. THE SWEAT BURNS MY STINGS!!! Ok, back inside. I knew there was a reason they invented air conditioning. (Sidenote: All of you California people who don’t have humidity, go away. No one wants to hear about the cool breeze from the Bay. I’ll be drowning in perspiration back here in Ohio.)

Summer Romances: Few things in the American cultural tradition are quite as treasured and romanticized as the Summer Romance. There’s something about a young couple watching the fireworks explode over their first kiss that just seems to scream America (not as much as this, though). It all sounds wonderful–at least until the end of the summer. Wasn’t the break supposed to be about getting away from stress? I don’t want to have to deal with the “do we break up or try to stay together?” conundrum again; it’s too messy. Besides, my heart already belongs to the Peirce panini press.

Showing Your Hometown The Kind of Partying Its Never Seen Before: So you plan on bringing the debauchery of an Old Kenyon party to your nice suburb? Yeah, ok. Let me know how your parent’s take you bringing five kegs of beer into your backyard. Do you even have a coatroom for people to lose their stuff in? I didn’t think so. Just expect to sit in your basement like the rest of us, quietly allowing your mother to nag you for the next few months; you’ll find that you’re less disappointed if you set your expectations low (The CDO has yet to get back to me on making that their official slogan).