[This article was co-written by Eve Asher ’13.]
Hey class of 2013, remember how when we were first-years everything was awesome and fun all the time? And now everything is terrible? What could explain this? Certainly not us getting old and jaded. Must be that the school’s changing. Mhmm. Yup. Remember these relics of happier times?
The Bexleys. When I was a first-year I used to dream of one day living in a Bexley. You see, kids, where now stands a field of enormous gleaming cookie-cutter houses, there was once a street lined with modestly sized, kinda run-down cookie-cutter houses. They seemed so glamorous and adult compared to my room in Gund. But the NCAs make the Bexleys look like the New Apts. Also the NCAs don’t host a sweet block party, which is a real shame.
Trayless Tuesday. Once upon a time in Peirce, we carried our dishes on flat trapezoidal objects called “trays.” These trays were apparently very important to people, and when they disappeared one day a week, a great war was fought over AllStu to win them back. It didn’t work. Now we have no trays at all and nobody cares even a little bit. But still, the class of ’17 will never know the joy of carrying 5 glasses of Powerade AND a cheeseburger without breaking a sweat.
Phling. Many moons ago, there was an annual phete called “Phling,” in honor of Philander Chase. In Phebruary. It was really phun and phabulous and oh my God did those “ph” puns get old really quickly. But regardless of how much mean mugging I did at the flood (I won’t do it) of AllStus whose subject lines started with an “ffff” sound, I adored Phling. How could I not love a campus-wide prom held in Peirce with Motown and Weezer cover bands, a red carpet, and a chance to get your “completely” “sober” picture taken with props like a sparkly top hat? Probably the part where I tried to stumble home sad drunk in heels in a blizzard. Probably that part.
Living on the edge. You kids. You don’t even know. When we were first-years, things were different. We took risks. We were free. We lived in dorms that were completely open to the public until 2 a.m. K card? What’s that, huh? Definitely not a requirement for wandering the halls of McBride. PFf. Security is for babies. And people who don’t want their shit stolen. HA. So yeah. Babies.