So it’s real easy to go around this time of year and crap on—both literally and metaphorically, depending on what you’re into—first-years. They’re new to campus; they’re a little shy and a little dense. But when it comes down to it, they’re not the real issue. Let’s talk about the real assholes of Kenyon: sophomores. Living up to the roots of their name, sophomores are an epidemic of condescending cynical twits who think they know what’s going on, but are really just as clueless as they were a year ago.
If you hear any of these key conversational topics, beware. A sophomore may be near.
- “I know where Weaver is!”
- “Aw man, remember that video you put up on the 2016 Facebook page? Classic.”
- “Yeah, I thought about being an econ major, but American Studies really speaks to me. Peter just gets me at a deep level, y’know?”
- “I’m so glad that I’m not a freshman anymore.”
- “Like, I didn’t even know what work was until this year. I already have an essay due Tuesday. Two pages!”
- “I have so much to do. I’m in six classes this semester. One of them is a four hundred level.” “Which class?” “… String ensemble.”
- “The Ganter? Been there. Done that. Will probably do it again.”
- “If I hear one more first-year mention John Green I’m going to, like, puke.” “Wasn’t your admissions essay about John Green?” “Shut up.”
- “Remember when the Nuge was President? Those were the days.”
- “Things are just so… different now. I really grew last year but I feel like I know who I am now. I’m not going to throw-up in Old Kenyon this year. I just know it.”