“I know not to pull a guitar at parties, but this is the mandolin I got over the summer! Now who wants to hear some Mumford?”
So it’s real easy to go around this time of year and crap on—both literally and metaphorically, depending on what you’re into—first-years. They’re new to campus; they’re a little shy and a little dense. But when it comes down to it, they’re not the real issue. Let’s talk about the real assholes of Kenyon: sophomores. Living up to the roots of their name, sophomores are an epidemic of condescending cynical twits who think they know what’s going on, but are really just as clueless as they were a year ago.
If you hear any of these key conversational topics, beware. A sophomore may be near.
- “I know where Weaver is!”
- “Aw man, remember that video you put up on the 2016 Facebook page? Classic.”
- “Yeah, I thought about being an econ major, but American Studies really speaks to me. Peter just gets me at a deep level, y’know?”
- “I’m so glad that I’m not a freshman anymore.”
- “Like, I didn’t even know what work was until this year. I already have an essay due Tuesday. Two pages!”
- “I have so much to do. I’m in six classes this semester. One of them is a four hundred level.” “Which class?” “… String ensemble.”
- “The Ganter? Been there. Done that. Will probably do it again.”
- “If I hear one more first-year mention John Green I’m going to, like, puke.” “Wasn’t your admissions essay about John Green?” “Shut up.”
- “Remember when the Nuge was President? Those were the days.”
- “Things are just so… different now. I really grew last year but I feel like I know who I am now. I’m not going to throw-up in Old Kenyon this year. I just know it.”
The Kenyon Thrill 
DON’T BE MEAN TO STRING ENSEMBLE.
Great job. Hits the nail on the head.
oh ok
YEAH PETER
sophomoric (adjective): conceited and overconfident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature. Yep.
“I looked up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com!”
“Aw man, remember that time you looked up sophomoric in on merriam-webster.com? Classic.”
“Yeah, I thought about looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com, but looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com really speaks to me. Looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com just gets me on a deep level, ya know.”
“I’m so glad that I’m looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com.”
“Like, I didn’t even know what looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com was until this year. I already have to look up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com on Tuesday. Two pages!”
“I have so looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com to do. I’m in six looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com’s this semester. One of them is a looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com.” “Which looking up?” “… Sophomoric on merriam-webster.com. ”
“The looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com? Looked there. Looked that. Will probably look up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com again.”
“If I hear one more first-year mention looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com I’m going to, like, look up sophomoric on merriam-wbester.com.” “Wasn’t your admissions essay about looking up merriam-webster.com?” “Shut up.”
“Remember when the looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com was looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com? Those were the days.”
“Things are just so… different now. I really grew last year but I feel like looking up sophomoric on merriam-webster.com now. I’m going to look up merriam-webster.com this year. I just know it.”
.
Gotta love a troll. Especially one who is willing to prove their stupidity by posting moronic rants. Crawl back under your bridge.
Well, well done. SO ACCURATE
-an actual sophomore who is guilty of 76% of these things
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