How to be a Person: When Someone Pees on Your Floor


When parties are so close to bathrooms and dorm rooms, the difference between the two can get confusing. It’s just so hard, I know. There are times when you will be peacefully sleeping in your Leonard double, having stayed in that night, when you wake up in the middle of the night, to a stranger gazing out your window at the nice South Quad view. When you bolt out of bed, he leaves calmly, without saying anything. “That was weird,” you say to your roommate, and you both fall back asleep. It isn’t until the next morning that you discover a puddle of pee at the foot of your bed. Here’s what to do:

DO NOT leave your room in a huff and not deal with the mess.

DO clean it up ASAP. You really don’t want that smell lingering on your sheets! Wash all of your bedding and scrub the floor with soap.

DO NOT tell your parents about it. They will just be sad about the nature of the youth these days.

DO tell all your friends about it.

DO NOT take a pee sample to try to test the DNA of the unrecognized face from the night before. What would that lead to anyway? I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal to pee on someone’s floor.

DO start locking your door at night.

4 responses

  1. How about when someone shits on your floor? Is it malicious intent yet? Is it still my responsibility to clean up your shit?

  2. there’s some spray you can buy at the market. it sprays on like a foam and then you leave it to dry and then vacuum. works like a charm.

  3. Pingback: 10 o’clock list: Ways Not to Have Your Food Stolen in Communal Fridges | The Thrill

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