Now that we’re entering the fourth week of school and have had the first round of all-campus disasters, it’s safe to say that everybody needs a little refresher on some of the more frowned-upon behaviors at parties. If any of these apply to you, please, do us all a favor—adjust accordingly.
1. Be the Grinding Bandit. So you’re dancing with your girl-frands, having your “I don’t need no man moment” when you suddenly feel somebody’s love muscle on your tooshie. AWWW HELL NO! By the time you turn your schwasty face around he’s gone. Or maybe you never turn around. Either way, a note to all the Kenyon bros—just don’t do it.
2. Jump on stage unless you know the song. Or the DJ. This isn’t So You Think You Can Dance. Or American Idol. And despite that fact that you don’t care, we don’t love it.
3. Violate the rules of dance floor make-outs. Please keep hands out of clothing for the duration of the party. In the event that you need to exit the party, you will find marked and open exits on each side of the dance floor. Emergency fornication devices are located in Crozier.
4. Sneak alcohol into the party. Natty’s too fratty? NEWSFLASH. You’re at a Greek party. And let’s check in with the real world again: sipping something out of a water bottle or a flask doesn’t make you sophisticated. It makes you creepy.
5. All-Campus is not a synonym for “blackout.” We understand that the basement of Old Kenyon is a little bit like the fifth circle of hell, but hey—you’re probably going to want to remember that so you can bitch about it later.