Being a Person: How to Replace a Tire

This woman came prepared with her 1980s cellphone

Sometimes it’s important to know when to make a call. (via lastchanceautorepairs.com)

I would like to say that I am a fully functional human with all my shit together. But sometimes, like that time I clipped a curb and popped my tire on a dark and stormy night, I choose to solve problems by having other people help me. So naturally, in order to write this “How to be a Person,” the first thing I did was call my dad. Please enjoy his advice on how to replace your tire in 12 easy steps.

First things first keep your car stocked ahead of time! Make sure you have a spare tire, a jack, a wrench, maybe a tarp to kneel on when replacing your tire. Also think about some snacks in case you don’t replace the tire the right way and have to wait for assistance.

  1. Pull over to the side of the road, all the way so you aren’t in the way of the traffic “whizzing by at a fatal speed.”
  2. Put on your “flashers” (oh Dad) and pull up the emergency brake.
  3. Don’t cry.
  4. Look for your car’s manual, because this will be even more helpful than this Thrill article about being a person.
  5. Go to your trunk and get your spare tire (donut) and jack/other tools (wrench etc.).
  6. In your manual it should say where to put the jack, so follow those directions. Different cars may have different places to put the jack.
  7. Loosen the lug nuts and put them somewhere safe.
  8. Tighten the lug nuts in a star pattern so you’re tightening evenly around the wheel, this makes sure your wheel is straight up and down.
  9. Lower the jack and put all the tools and flat tire back into the car.
  10. Take a moment to stress cry if you need to, or to slap yourself in the face and pull yourself together.
  11. Take a deep cleansing breath, release emergency brake, turn off “flashers” and carefully get back into traffic.
  12. Travel under 50 mph if you’re using a donut tire. Immediately go to where you can have the tire repaired or buy a new one.

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