Kenyon Kulture: Profile Pictures You’ll Upload at Kenyon

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Don’t worry, it could be worse.

Yes, Kenyon is a completely unique place and we are all v.v. special snowflakes, but also, Kenyon is not that unique of a place and many of its students are uncomfortably similar [raise up if you’re reading this and you have brown hair/glasses/hail from the East Coast.] This commonality can be pretty embarrassing, especially when it’s all over the Interwebs: I hereby present some of the Kenyon Kodak Moments you’ll upload to Facebook at some point before you graduate, and probably attract some weird family-member likes with (“College Cutie Pie! Looks like Kanyon agrees With You! Big xS and Os!” raves Aunt Linda.)*

 You, Laughing in A Cornfield. Your head is thrown back, your arms are outstretched, the sun is setting, and you are woodsy, dammit. You live in Ohio now, and everybody in your newsfeed should know it. [Sidenote – get off the corn. People need to grow the corn and sell the corn. The corn does not care how quirky you look in this photo your roommate took with a Polaroid and captioned “~reading daze adventures~” in all lower-case.]

You and Your First-Year Hallmates in White Highlighter Party Tees, Sweatily Side-Hugging in A Mather Triple. You’re not friends with these people anymore, you threw out that shirt years ago, but, man, remember those first college parties? Frat guys slipping invites under doors like a scene from a Lifetime movie about the dangers of partying, twelve strangers crowding into your room to pregame, going to Old Kenyon without grabbing four slices of pizza and leaving immediately. And then, before it even began, it ended – not with a bang, but with the reluctant whimper of the roommate you sexiled to the filthy lounge couch so you and The Kid From Psych Who Wears That Hat could make sweet, semi-anonymous laahve. (So, I guess, kind of with a bang. HIY-OOO.)

You, Abroad, Having A Transcendent Experience That Totally Changes The Way You See Your Day-to-Day Life. As evidenced by this picture of you doing spontaneous gymnastics in front of the Sagrada Família Barcelona at 3 a.m. If we squint, we can make out a Spanish family in the background, pointing at you and whispering, “Why is that drunk American doing a cartwheel?”

 You at a Formal/Fandango/Red, Black & White Ball, Looking Suspiciously Groomed. See how nice you look when you change out of your dirty overalls and brush your hair? Why can’t you look like this all the time? Ugh. You disgust me. Just put your Chacos back on, you grimy nerd.

You, Gettin’ Graduated. Aww, this one is actually sad. Butterfly flying nest, bird emerging cocoon (that’s right, isn’t it? That’s how animals work?). God bless. Go ahead and wear those aviator sunglasses with that mortarboard and clutch your fellow grads’ shoulders and smile for all you’re worth, champ: ya earned it.

*Those acquainted with my Facebook page will notice that almost all of these stock images have been featured on my profile over the past three years. But I quietly deleted them all so I could write this post.

6 responses

  1. So true. For excellent examples of all these shots from the pre-internet era, see also every set of senior pictures published in yearbooks beginning in about 1985.

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