Project for Open Voices: “Blurred Lines”

The Thrill is proud to feature personal narratives courtesy of the Project for Open Voices. Today’s essay is Blurred Lines: Actually Not So Blurry Once it Happens to You. It was authored anonymously and is being published in honor of Take Back the Night, which is a week of events and dialogue concerning sexual assault. POV is always accepting new submissions, so if you want to share your story, email openvoicessubmissions@gmail.com – if you prefer to submit anonymously, the login password is kenyoncollege.

Trigger warning: Please be aware that the piece below involves sexual assault and may be triggering. The Sexual Misconduct Advisors (740-358-1544) and the Counseling Center are available 24/7.

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Two weeks ago I was raped by my 26-year-old host brother while abroad in South America on the first night I arrived at his house. He invited me to go out with him to his friend’s party and I quickly accepted, excited to get to know someone that was supposed to become family. I was completely on his turf as I entered his car, to go to his friend’s party and then come home to his house where I was to be living for the next five months in his strange new country that he was supposed to be introducing me to.

He was a perfect gentleman at the party until he offhandedly mentioned that if I was getting tired, his “bed was much bigger than mine.” I responded very clearly that I had no intent of hooking up with my new host brother, thank-you-very-much. But the party was fun and his friends were nice, so I agreed to go to a club with them after. There, he persistently demanded I drink more beer until he took the large cup he had bought me and pushed it to my mouth, causing me to spill down my clothes in embarrassment. All his friends were looking at me so I took a couple large gulps and handed the cup back.

The music was pulsing in my ears and the crowd looked like a blur of darkness as we made our way to the door. He grabbed me by the back of my jeans and pulled me against his body. I remember feeling everyone’s eyes on me as he continued to shove his hand down my pants. Mortified that everyone would see and repulsed at being touched in such a public place, I pushed his hands away and told him to stop. When I stepped back, he pulled me right back in, and in the end I remember leaning against his body and putting my face to his shoulder to hide from the judgmental stares while the pounding electronic beat passed over me. When he tried to kiss me I told him we needed to leave right now, making sure he knew that nothing like would ever happen again.

I kept trying to get his hands off me as we made our way back to his car because it frustrated me that I couldn’t walk straight and not fall without his support. In the car, the lights of the city blurred past me as he was able to control the steering wheel with one hand, occasionally sending a text message or adjusting the radio, and grope my body with the other while all I could do was watch. I pushed his hand away and told him to stop, putting my hot face against the cold window so my brain could be far away from what was happening as my body sat paralyzed in ecstasy in the passenger seat.

We got back to his house and he told me to come up to his room to which I refused. He kept persisting so I started to make out with him in the isolation of his car, hoping that would be enough to end it. After being persistently touched for the entire car ride home my own body craved to be touched in a way that was so electric it sickened me. I reminded him again that what had happened would never leave the car as I slammed the door shut and walked up to my room as quickly as I could, afraid that either my legs would take me back to him or I would give in once again. He followed me the whole way there.

We had sex. First with a condom that I forced on despite his physical and verbal reluctance, but then I allowed him to take it off because he convinced me it would make it end quicker. In the end, he never finished because I forced him out the door and locked it, but I had sex with him.

It kills me to include my own actions in what happened but I wouldn’t be speaking honestly if I didn’t say this: I feel like an active participant in my rape.  Many times throughout the night I pushed him away, ran away, said no, but what haunts me the most is that I kept giving in.  I was too drunk for my body, so physically pleasured by his consistent groping, to actively fight back. Although multiple times I shut myself in my bathroom and refused to leave until he was gone, all I remember is the fact that he got me to come out. He made me feel so stupid for hiding from him, tauntingly asking me if I was scared, that I felt the need to prove myself.

If I let it wander, my mind flashes back to those ten seconds, forever burned into my memory, when I actually received physical pleasure from having sex with my rapist after I decided to be on top. I knew that in order to regain dignity in this situation, take back control and retain that unique part of myself that enjoys sex and feels so comfortable having it, I needed to have sex with him on what felt like my own terms. I know many people would deny that I was raped because of this blurry detail, this confusing moment during my rape that seems to flip the whole situation upside down, casting doubts on who was really at fault. In fact, before two weeks ago I probably would have been one of them. But I would have been so wrong.

Before two weeks ago, I too, a Kenyon woman, passionate feminist and proud Sexual Misconduct Advisor, believed that the reality of rape was extremely confusing, vague, and blurry at best. I want to tell you that I’ve changed my mind: when you are raped, you know it. The anxiety, the constant crying, the repulsion at the idea of sex, the deep and utter shame, the flashbacks, the nausea and panic every time I see my rapist, my bed, the clothes I was wearing the night it happened, and the feeling of helplessness that my own body has betrayed me: I learned the hard way that there is absolutely no blurred line in the emotional experience of the victim.

The “blurred lines” come not from the ambiguity of the definition of rape nor from the experience of the victim, but from our reluctance to call a blatant act of sexual assault what it really is. When my friends and family diagnosed my story as “bad but not terrible,” told me that I was “taken advantage of but not raped,” I felt weak, melodramatic, and crazy. I wondered why I was sad all the time, why I wasn’t strong enough to get over what had happened. I learned that when we deny the victim the right to call her or his experience what it really was, which is rape, we invalidate their emotional trauma and make it impossible for them to heal.

What blurred my experience were the unfiltered, uneducated, and insensitive reactions I received that caused me to question my actions and blame myself. Despite all the positive support I received, the negative reactions were the ones that stuck, polluting my mind and warping my perceptions of what happened. No matter how hard I tried to ignore them, when someone else validated my deepest fears I knew they were true. Some were simply ignorant, like “He’s really hot though!” Thank you, Stupid-Girl-Who-Thinks-I-Was-Lucky-To-Be-Raped! I don’t care if I was raped by fucking Channing Tatum, it doesn’t make it any better. Similarly:“But he’s a very good person otherwise!” Well I’m glad YOU like him!

But some were worse. I received this one from my “liberal,” well-intentioned-butpainfully-uniformed mother:“This was a really stupid decision you made! With your education, you should have been screaming.” I self-identify as a pretty strong-willed, feminist woman who knows the ins and outs of how to navigate sex. So yes, Mom, I had a little bit of an identity crisis after I allowed myself to fall into something I pride myself in knowing so much about. What I’ve learned is this: rape is not just something that happens to girls who are afraid to say no. (I literally thought I was the last person on planet earth who would be raped before it happened to me.) Next, I’m realizing that despite my extensive education, no one ever told me that while being raped, my primary concern would not be “escaping rape at all costs.” In my drunken, mortified, victimized mind I feared that my brand new host family would know that I was hooking up with my host brother. My priority was that no one would hear.

My mom continued: “Obviously if you were the one to get the condom, you had some control in the situation.” Intellectually I knew this was blatant slut-shaming and it was wrong. That being said, after I was told exactly what I feared most, there was no way I could talk myself out of thinking it: because I had enough control in the situation to make this last gesture to protect myself, I couldn’t have been raped. I only realized the insanity of this when my friend told me that all she remembers is the fact that he not only raped me, but also succeeded in doing so without a condom. (Also, did you know that you need to see a doctor and get a prescription for an STD test here?! Two appointments and 29 dollars later I am now even more pissed than before).

Here’s another biggy. This happens to be verbatim what my 23-year-old sister told me after I grudgingly told her the full story, complete with the “blurry details.” (I decided to secretly record her on Garage Band without her knowing.) #TRIGGERWARNING!  “If you draw a circle around the whole event and you say ‘that was rape,’ does that not allow you to write off the mistakes you made?” To this I would say, yes it does. Because those “mistakes” I made were ones both I and my rapist knew I didn’t want to happen. She continues: “I think you have a few things to own up to. Like the fact that you started making out with him in the car and you got the condom. You know what the things are because they’re the things you feel like shit about. Those are things that you did because you, in that moment, were feeling attracted to him! And so YOU did those things. You weren’t completely dominated by this man because you made the decision to go forth with them.” Ouch. By far the worst part of this statement was her inferring what our society says constantly, which is: “You wanted it.”

Because I have thought about this more than any ignorant spectator ever could, here is what I’ve concluded: I did “want it.” In fact, my body was physically manipulated into wanting it and that is precisely what made my experience rape. There exists a natural physiological reaction that occurs when a victim is touched persistently against her or his will in which that individual’s body is turned on and forced to “want it.” (I want us to think for a moment: If a man was being groped against his will, would we blame him for having an erection? This is the same thing.) I have experienced the disconnect between one’s body and mind that occurs when a victim is also under the influence of alcohol or drugs and I am telling you that it makes it nearly impossible to obey one’s own intellect. The victim’s sexual responses by no means reflect his or her initial “desire.” It is still rape if the victim does not fight against her/his rapist at every point, or if the victim physically “wants it.” Because let me tell you, when you know you can’t win because your body is being both sexually and physically coerced into a sexual act, you willingly, maybe even actively, choose the path of least resistance.

I’m trying my best to explain the reality of rape because not even I understood it before it happened to me. After comparing rape stories with my best friend, who hadn’t previously told me all the details of her experience because of how deeply she was publicly shamed when it happened, I realized this: the way our minds followed such a similar script validates rape as a legitimate, psychological trauma. Our bodies did things we still can’t explain to try to take back control, and our minds suffer flashbacks, moments of severe anxiety, and guilt. For example, I realized today that sitting in the passenger seat of a car sets me into a downward spiral that causes my heart to pound and waves of nausea to hit me because I am taken back to that feeling of utter helplessness I felt in my rapist’s car as he groped me.

As frustrating as it is to be intellectually aware of your own irrationality, my emotional experience validates the fact that I was raped. It has taught me that sexual assault is in fact not blurry when you experience it firsthand. It only took me about four days to fully accept that I had been raped and start hating the world and most of the people in it. Due to the determined attachment to my rapist, some bizarre psychological effect I don’t think I will ever understand, it took me two more weeks agree to move out: to accept that what happened happened, and that there was no way I could win against someone to whom I’d already lost. While maybe the infamous “blurred line” exists inside the victim’s own, irrational, fucked-up, post-rape subconscious, in no way should it be further reinforced by a society that is more afraid of using the “r” word than validating a survivor’s experience. The last thing a victim needs is to be told it’s their fault, because let me tell you, victims of rape blame themselves all on their own without anyone else blurring the lines for them.

42 responses

  1. This is beautifully written and precisely captures my own experience with sexual assault in a way that I’ve never been able to articulate. Thank you, thank you thank you for sharing. I think you are incredibly brave.

  2. This was an incredibly well written and powerful piece. You should be proud of the honesty you’ve displayed here– this is a story that will open doors for further (and better) conversations.

  3. This piece is incredible! Your eloquent articulation in spite of the overwhelming emotions and trauma that you faced is nothing short of amazing. Your honesty and frankness with the reader and with yourself is bold, daring, and beautiful. Thank you so so much for sharing this and for opening up a conversation that desperately needs to be had at Kenyon and beyond. Thank you.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this. As a fellow survivor of sexual assault, it really resonated with me when you wrote, “when you’re raped, you know it.” I think that holds true for any kind of sexual assault. Please know that there are people back here at Kenyon that support you, believe you and want to help in any way possible. Remember you can use the SMAs from afar too!

  5. there should be more conversations about Kenyon women going abroad and the possible harassment/assault they might face in other countries. Thank you for sharing

  6. As a man and Kenyon student reading this, I also want to thank you, because it’s important for guys to remember that, especially on a campus where non-verbal consent is allowed, to really read those first moves and pay attention to how a woman is reacting because things like this shouldn’t happen. I think you are incredibly brave for sharing your story and thank you again.

  7. It’s also important for people to remember that this same thing can happen to men too. It’s all about power and control. Thank you, whoever this is, for sharing your story. You are so strong for examining and thinking about this event in such an analytical way. You are loved and deserve only the best. Much love.

  8. Thank you very much for allowing others into a story that needs to be heard. You have illuminated a specific grey area left mostly untouched by society in regards to rape. Your courage to communicate this experience is commendable and inspiring. Thank you.

  9. From a friend who was raped at age five, she said the most confusing thing was enjoying part of it (presumably the touching, not the penetration, since she was only five). Enjoying some part physically is certainly not a gamechanger. It does not make it not rape. (True story: her mother and father never believed her daughter’s identification of the rapist. Nothing was pursued. And her dad was a UC Berkeley prof!)

  10. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m so glad to hear you have found a new place to live. Thank you especially for sharing examples of the unhelpful things you heard from people who love you very much. All of us need to know more about how to respond supportively when our friends and family share stories of violence.

  11. Thank you for sharing this. I was raped by a significant other five years ago and it took me four years to call it “rape.” I could never quite get past or understand my aversion to when-I-lost-my-virginity discussions until I finally accepted that my experience was not consensual. I spent years trying to convince myself that it was. I tried to put it in the past and “move on,” but there’s no moving on in today’s society, which constantly makes me second guess myself and revert back to “it was my fault,” even though I know it wasn’t. Your piece beautifully illustrates this confusion. The comments from your mother and sister are those that I fear the most when I’m asked to share my story, and I’m sorry that you had to hear them, but grateful that you made this public and negotiated your feelings with such bravery.

  12. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experience–so eloquently and thoughtfully. You are still a strong, independent, feminist women. And I know you don’t need me to tell you that. Infinite thanks and admiration.

  13. As someone who has been in similar shoes, thank you for giving beautiful voice to a very complex, difficult to digest issue. I’m sure your story will help open the eyes of others who were previously too quick to point the finger of blame at the person who was “asking for it” or who may not have fit the black & white mold that far too many people think of as “legitimate rape”

  14. This post tackles the fundamental problem that we survivors face: everyone who hears our story thinks they would have reacted differently. They think they would have avoided it! It’s so hard to get past these misconceptions. The only reason we point out the areas of our stories where things were ambiguous is because we have gone over them thousands of times in our memories – berating ourselves for not making our escape before it was too late. Thank you for sharing your story, hopefully as more people read through cases like yours it will become clearer that we don’t want to be victims.

  15. That was such a fascinating insight into your experience, kind of eye opening for me….i didn’t know rape could be experienced in this way. Your argument that your emotional experience of the encounter validated the fact that it was rape remains unshakable! As far as I’m concerned, victims of human trafficking are raped with every client but at the same time its obvious that they aren’t going to be screaming the whole time. Your amount of resistance is not what defines a rape, its more weather you are at liberty to avoid it. In such a scenario anyone would try to make the best of an unavoidable situation, if you know you’re going to be raped, you might as well have some control over how it happens. Only an idiot would see that as consent or approval. I’m so sorry you didn’t find the support you needed in your family, social group, or from society as a whole. As more and more women like yourself are bravely speaking up about their experiences, hopefully one day support will be provided as a standard response.

  16. Powerful. Wow. “Vengeance is MINE, says the Lord”. What society & a legal system can’t/won’t give you, God can & will. Count on it. I’m so sorry for your pain. Praying.

    • So disagreeing with the author is now considered attacking the author. Cool beans thrill. First time I’ve ever been silenced like this. If you want open discussion and awareness, don’t do stuff like this. OK?

      I’m Rustler, I’m supposed to bring the pain. I’m here to bring all opinions, regardless of if I believe it or not.
      Let people post freely (unless it’s an ACTUAL attack) on the person. Even if I write that this wasn’t rape, doesn’t mean I’m attacking the person.

  17. @Rustler

    Not sure exactly what “circle jerk” you are “tearing” apart. All I see here are people responding to a personal piece, offering some of their own personal experiences, and supporting a member of this community who shared her story.

    To address some of your issues with the piece:
    1) We draw the line (distinguish the line does not make sense) between rape and regretful behavior based on what the victim tells us. If a person feels violated, they were violated. Perhaps you have never felt that feeling, but there is a difference between regret and violation. There is a difference between doing something you wish you hadn’t done and having something happen to you that is outside of your control and is detrimental to your well being.
    2) As you mentioned, there are two individuals in this story, and in sexual assault and rape cases there are often two “truths”. Every person who rapes, date rapes, or assaults another person is not necessarily a predator. Because we live in a culture where consent is undervalued and often taken for granted, men and women are not sensitive to the need to get consent from a partner (this goes for inside and outside of relationships), or sensitive to when people are not capable of consenting (incapacitated, drunk, underage). The fact of the matter is, no matter what this man thought he was doing, he was wrong because he did not get consent (in fact, on multiple occasions he heard a woman not consenting).
    3) The characterization that this woman may have been playing “hard to get” and thus deserved this is about as good as the judge in Italy ruling that you can’t be raped in jeans because a rapist couldn’t force you out of them. You can’t have sex with someone just because you think they want it. You even more so cannot have sex with someone who says they don’t want it because you think somewhere deep down inside they are probably lying to themselves and you want to show them.
    4) Drinking is not an “excuse for being raped” because a victim does not need an excuse for being raped – they are not at fault. Being intoxicated does impair you and inhibit your ability to consent. Even so, the actions taken in this case were consciously made to protect the individual from further harm. Who is to say that if she had fought back, she wouldn’t have been more brutalized, or even killed? We do not even know how much this woman had to drink, and often in these situations a woman’s drink is tampered with to leave her defenseless. Can you rule that out? Women make countless choices each day to protect themselves and those choices are personal and not up for debate.
    5) Many victims do not fight back. Are children who do not fight back against sexual predators giving a mixed message that they enjoy being raped and molested? Are women who give up fighting their domestic abusers or never fought back at all sending the message that they like having the shit kicked out of them? Just because someone sees someone else as a willing participant, or thinks they want it/like it, doesn’t make them right.
    6) The fact that the incident wouldn’t fly in court isn’t surprising. It is hard to prove many things in court and that does not make them less true.
    7) Women of all ages, sizes, and strengths are raped daily. Men of all ages, sizes, and strengths are raped daily. “Grown ass women” are often not able to protect or fight for themselves, especially if they are in a foreign country, alone, perhaps not speaking the language, intoxicated, and with someone who is supposed to be “safe” but ends up being an attacker. Elderly women are pretty “grown”, but are sometimes attacked by their “caregivers”, and unable to fight back. Were they asking for it?
    8) What you are doing here is not slut shaming, it is just displaying to the world that there are still really ignorant people in it. Hopefully the author of this piece is unfazed by your ignorant and insensitive response.

    I’m not a part of the Kenyon community and perhaps you aren’t either but whatever community harbors you is not doing justice to itself by failing to educate you or challenge you on your antiquated beliefs and offensive language. Hopefully you find a way to educate yourself on the subject instead of learning the difference between regret and rape by having it happen to you.

    • Thank you for this clear and insightful response. The lines were still blurry for me before, but not anymore after reading this.

    • 1. So if I felt “violated” after sex that means it’s ok to label it as rape? How would you even differentiate between those feelings? If she said she felt violated and he said he also felt violated, who are you going to believe?

      2. If there are “two truths” then why do we completely blame the other party? Also, nobody verbally consents to sex. This idea of verbal consent will NEVER be used by the general public. It’s sad, but it’s true.

      3. Nobody deserves it. I’m talking about human nature. Regardless of culture or borders, people play “hard to get” all the time. Does that make me a rapist?

      4. You keep mentioning how women get beaten, or how weak they may be, blah blah blah..so men don’t become defenseless or become impaired when they get drunk? This is NOT about male or female, woman or man. This is about the “victim” and the “assailant”.

      5. I almost wrote about children in the previous post. However, I chose not to do so because I believe child molestation/rape is different than this. Young children are physically incapable of fighting an adult. They also do not know the concept of sex. They may have seen it, or may have heard about it, but that doesn’t mean they know what it is. Children may willingly give verbal consent, but does that make it right? This shouldn’t be brought up.

      If you don’t make it clear to the other party, how would they know what you were thinking. This is the typical “read my mind” bs that goes on in many relationships. Just say/show what you want or don’t want.

      6. However, how do you know this story is even true? I can make up a story like this in an hour. Just because somebody felt “violated” doesn’t make it true.

      7. You obviously don’t know what “grown ass woman” means. It’s too much of a pain to explain, so I’m gonna skip this.

      8. Just because I have a different view/opinion doesn’t mean it’s ignorant. I am well informed and educated about this subject. Where are you getting your :”facts” or “statistics”. Don’t dismiss my opinion like that; it makes you ignorant.

      Finally, you don’t know my personal life. I could be a victim of rape for all you know. Also, WOW! That’s the most passive aggressive way to wish me to get raped. It’s not nice to wish somebody to get raped; VERY HYPOCRITICAL indeed.

      • 1) yes if you feel violated after sex it is okay for you to consider it rape. you can consider your experiences any way you want.
        2) i tried to explain that by there being two truths, and saying that rapists/people who assault others are not always predators, that this shouldn’t be about blame. it should be about education. and people do verbally consent to sex, but we can do much, much more to ensure that people ask for consent and have conversation around sex to prevent mistakes and misunderstandings.
        3) i don’t think this is human nature. i know people who have forced themselves on others because they were playing hard to get, and people who have not. all people do not do that, it is a choice. we should create more awareness around not forcing, expecting, or making assumptions about other’s sexual intentions/desire without asking.
        4) i went to lengths in my reply to try to illustrate that this is not a male/female issue, although the author seems to imply that she is a female. still, 1 in 4 women are raped in their lifetimes, and this is a gendered issue.
        5) i disagree. teens are often sexually active before the age of consent, and it is an issue. just as children are unable to consent, or “fight back”, so too are being who are inebriated or drugged. it is applicable, because these issues are tied in together. i am not trying to put a value on which situations are more grievous, but your broad generalizations don’t address these consent issues, and still don’t.
        6) of course it could not be true. but not believing accounts of sexual assault and rape is a major issue worldwide, and i choose to believe an individual who is willing and able to share their story, in hopes that we will create a more open environment for people to share and discuss and heal after events like this.
        7) i guess i don’t then. grown i interpret as aged or large/full sized. ass i’m not sure about. woman i interpret as someone who identifies as a woman. is that not it?
        8) agreed – your different opinion doesn’t make you ignorant. but i think the fact that you came to “end the circle jerk” and the language you use makes you seem ignorant.

        i specifically said i hope you never learn about this by being assaulted or raped. unfortunately a lot of people learn about it through their own experience – i hope you remain open minded enough to learn and incorporate other views and experiences into your own without having to experience it first hand. hopefully you never have.

      • 1. So even if both parties consent, it can be rape? So your “verbal consent” would go out the door and everybody should be afraid to have sex.
        2. I agree, everybody should be educated.
        3. It’s part of life that we infer and assume. Unless there’s a bogus government run system for sexual encounters, it’s not gonna change. Also, it’s socially awkward for people to give/receive verbal consent. Verbal consent is also hard to prove (unless you have some written signature or audio recording).
        4. You didn’t go through lengths to explain it; just read through your own comments again. All your previous posts were about women only. Where are you getting these statistics? 25% of women have been raped? I’m pretty sure it’s made up.
        5. Most people don’t call teens children. They aren’t considered in my previous comment. I didn’t give a broad generation… you did. You included all rape into one thing. I am disagreeing with you about that.
        6. Well, I believe in a system where somebody is not guilty until proven guilty.
        7. skip
        8. Language also doesn’t equate to ignorance. It also doesn’t mean that fluency and vocab usage makes you a better person. Your comments are a good example. You wished me to get raped; rewording it still doesn’t change it.

  18. I think that many more women (and probably men, too) have experienced some version of this than any of us would like to believe, it’s just too painful to share. I would know. Why reopen the wound, on top of putting yourself out there to be judged by the insensitivity and sensationalism of our culture? There are VERY few individuals brave enough to do that. I feel great respect for the author of this post, and her courageousness. In the coming years, as she struggles to make peace with this, I hope that she will be reminded that people like myself are forever indebted to her for allowing us to feel that we are not worthy of shame, and that we are not alone.

  19. Pingback: What Other People Think Of Me Is None Of My Concern | From A Whisper To A Roar

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  21. I, a woman and Kenyon student, know firsthand how difficult it is to come to terms with sexual assault. Thank you for sharing this story. I am a survivor of rape (an ugly word that to this day I intensely dislike hearing) and I have personally experienced, and two years later continue to experience, the flashbacks, the guilt, the shame, the nausea, the panic, the stark fear when you look over your shoulder and are so intensely terrified that the face you see in nightmares will appear behind you. I commend you for bringing this into the open: the stigmatization victims undergo, and I would know, is awful. Sex is one thing, assault is another, and you could not be more accurate than when you wrote that “when you are raped, you know it.” Because you do. I know I do, despite my initial attempts to block it out of my memory or brush it off; there is only one name for what happens. Thank you for writing this article. It means so much to so many of us out here.

  22. Pingback: Notes on rape culture, for those unfamiliar with the term | Rosalie Murphy

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