Don’t worry, nobody noticed that.

If you’re comfortable exiting social interactions in a normal, human way (i.e. via the front door) when you’re ready to go, this list ain’t for you. If you sometimes get subsumed by anxiety at parties, because you’re tired or your ex-whatever just showed up or you drank/smoked something weird (by which I mean expired soda/those herbal cigarettes Jon Hamm smokes on Mad Men, Mom) and just want to go breathe into a pillow and watch Hulu without attracting attention, this list is for you. Use these Irish-exit strategies the next time you’re at a party and need to not be anymore. But don’t escape at the same time I do, because that will look weird.*

1. Acland Party – It’s tricky (sorry, had to) to leave here unnoticed, since Aclands are basically laid out like your parents’ rec room circa 1996. Your best bet is the downstairs laundry room — there’s a little door that will lead you outside, and you can take it from there. (Note — this strategy is for emergencies only. Otherwise, you’re just Dwight Schrute skulking around the basement in the middle of a party.)

2. Old Kenyon Party –– This one should be easy, since we all know that on its quietest weekend night, Old Kenyon is a raucous, swirling hellscape/Bosch triptych scene (and I say that with all the love in the world.) Announce that you’re going to get a beer, then quietly slip out — but never through the entrances/exits. Let the patio be your friend.

3. Caples Suite Party — Caples suites’ loud, heavy doors were basically designed for people to make theatrical entrances/exits through — thus, subtly peacing from a Caples party is tough, unless everyone is too drunk to notice you. In a pinch, say you’re “going to grab something from Emily’s room on the third floor,” and then just leave. There’s always an Emily on the third floor.

4. Horn Party — Y’all, there’s a door downstairs. Where the bathrooms are also located. Instead of politely waiting for the band to finish their set/collecting your jacket/bidding everyone adieu, just “go to the bathroom” and GTFO. Besides, if you use the front door, everyone smoking outside will see you ugly-climbing that little hill out front. (Real talk — there is no way to gracefully exit up a hill.])

5. New Apts./NCAs Party — “Oh my God, guys, I think I just saw fireworks outside — don’t worry, I’ll go check it out and come get you if any more go off.” Done. Bye.

*Please text your friends promptly post-Irish exiting so they know you’re not murdered. Also, it is considered in bad form to Irish-exit a party at which you specifically arrived with a person with the prior understanding that you would be leaving together. Which has never stopped me from doing it, but The More You Know.