A Close Reading of an Average Day of E-mails


It’s morning. Or maybe it’s mid-afternoon. You wake up from a deep sleep where you dreamt of bacon and elaborate puppet shows (is that just me?). You turn on your computer and look, you’ve got mail. Tons of it! Where do these multitudes of e-mails even come from? You had fearlessly deleted at least 50 the night before. How in a matter of hours can a person compile so many e-mails? What do they even say? Let us unpack an average day of Kenyon e-mails, shall we?

  •  Kenyon in Rome Program Fall 2014 (Student Info): Rome is lovely. I have nothing against Rome. But I am a first semester junior. I am going abroad next semester to a city that is not Rome. What is Kenyon trying to tell me? Are they trying to get me to reevaluate my choice? It seems to me like they are. Now, it’s early in the morning and I am panicking about my study abroad situation. This is just too much. Why doesn’t student info and the Kenyon e-mail system in general know me better than this?
  • Flu Myths: Does Cold Weather Cause the Flu? (Student Info): I sometimes enjoy the health center e-mails. They let me know that it is time to start worrying about catching the Krud and/or the flu. But why must the health center tease us with these myth/fact games? Just in case you were all wondering and you deleted this extremely informative e-mail, cold weather does not cause the flu. Myth busted!
  • Full-Time Researcher Coordinator Position: This is a personal favorite Kenyon e-mail genre of mine. Alerts for jobs that I have no qualifications for and that are offered during the Kenyon semester in a location that is not Gambier. Are you a bilingual Spanish and German speaker who has a penchant for statistics and is adept at riding a unicycle? Nope. I’m not. Thanks for inquiring.
  • PB&J Tuesday: I used to love the PB&J secret ingredient e-mails. But they up and changed everything and moved PB&J day from Wednesday to Tuesday. I’m still reeling from the change and reminding me that there is marshmallow fluff doesn’t do any good.

* It is also possible that you delete all of these mass e-mails without skimming them and they are really no bother to you at all. That is probably a good call. Respect.

2 responses

  1. F$&@cking hilarious but what about all the emails from that Prince in Uganda stuck in London and needing $1000 which he will return plus a million when he gets home?!

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