Dirtbag Lessons: Picking the Right Major for the Wrong Reasons


One of the most stressful parts of going to college is having to pick a major that you’ll stick to for the rest of your academic career. Instead of basing your decision on useless long-term factors like future employment, why not focus on the obvious short-term perks that you can enjoy today? Let’s break the top majors down:

Studio Art – Do you like the idea of being able to get away with doing virtually anything you can imagine? As a Studio Art Major, you can deface private property, get away with never cleaning up, and do pretty much whatever weird shit comes to your mind under the guise of “artistic license.” As long as you can contextualize your work to a world conflict or the disparity of the lower-class, your installation of giant dildoes in Peirce totally flies under the radar.

Film – If you’re into fancy cameras and lights, but not so much into shelling out over $10,000 for a decent setup, you might want to consider becoming a Film Major. Along with the privilege of being able to rent out incredibly expensive video equipment like library books, you also have a pretty solid excuse to videotape all of your risque encounters for your private archives. “What’s the camera for? Directing class. So, uh, you still need help getting those pants off? Wait let me get a dutch angle here.”

Biology, Chemistry, Etc. – If you’re pursuing the sciences, there’s a good chance you get keycard access to some of Kenyon’s many laboratories. While some are equipped with ritzy lounges and flatscreen TVs, others are full of fun instruments (like bunsen burners) and chemicals (like hydrochloric acid) that are perfect playgrounds for those who aspire to be like Paul Krugman (or Walter White). Biology majors have an added bonus of being able to access Kenyon’s greenhouse to grow rare and exotic plants (like Sativa-dominant strains of “Afgan Kush”).

Economics – Sure, you’ve heard that some of Kenyon’s most successful alumni were econ majors– nothing new there. But did you know that majoring in Econ also scores you a free “Kenyon Economics” branded water bottle? 

Double-Majors – After reading this, you’re probably thinking “Well that’s great– but what if I want the perks of being an art major as well as a free water bottle that I can call my own? Is all hope lost?” Of course not! With the advent of the double major, you can mix and match all the perks you want with an added bonus of having your very own carrel in the library! And yet people still scoff at me for being a Studio Art, Film, Biochem, and Econ quadruple major…

2 responses

  1. Majoring in Pimpin’ is pretty chill too. Plus the department chair starts you off with a top-notch hoe, a cane, and a jesus piece. Nonetheless… it ain’t easy.

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