10 o’clock list: Things Middle Path Is Made From

There's a place I know if you're looking for a show. Where they go hardcore and there's glitter on the floor.

There’s a place I know if you’re looking for a show. Where they go hardcore and there’s glitter on the floor.

Most people will tell you that Middle Path is made from gravel. Most people are wrong. Only those who are part of the super-secret Kenyon Middle Path Committee know the true makeup of our iconic path. Luckily, I was able to nab some of their files, and I’m going to let you know some of the ingredients they use in the mystical concoction that is Middle Path.

  1. Crushed Beer Cans — With the recent focus on environmentalism and sustainability, Kenyon reuses the countless beer cans found on any given weekend as lining for Middle Path. The cans are crushed and balled into impossibly dense pebble-sized balls by the school’s patented Can Crusher 3000 and are placed on Middle Path every Sunday at 7:30 AM, the only time the school is sure that no student is awake.
  2. Broken iPhones — It’s a travesty how many smartphones are broken on campus each year. Busy students frequently bump into the poor souls just trying to Instagram Ransom Hall, leading to dropped phones on the hard gravel. The phones that don’t survive the fall are left behind, slowly being broken apart by shoes, bike tires, and Campus Security golf carts. They meld and become one with Middle Path.
  3. Hair Clips — These omnipresent little buggers find their way into the cracks and crevices of any room. Middle Path, with it’s many layers of various detriment, is the perfect hiding place for hair clips. There they can safely asexually reproduce and colonize, which everyone knows they do.
  4. Glitter — Glitter never goes away. It simply migrates from body to body, forever floating and making weird shiny spots on people’s cheeks. There was one glitter party at Old Kenyon in the ’80s, and ever since then Middle Path has contained trace amounts of glitter.
  5. Students Who Plagiarize — Kenyon takes plagiarism very seriously, and holds its most severe penalty for those found guilty of this heinous offense. Once the verdict is out, a student is taken to the basement of Rosse Hall, where they are ground into dust, which is then sprinkled on Middle Path as a reminder to other students. Don’t plagiarize.

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