You crazy kids just can’t seem to stop losing your glasses! Every week, another “lost glasses” allstu finds its way into my inbox. “Blah, blah, blah, I left my glasses in Sam Mather.” “Wah, wah, wah, my beloved Warby Parkers have gone rogue.” Tell me, how do you lose something integral to your ability to see? Though I understand that the resultant sight barrier seriously impedes owners’ lost glasses recovery process, I believe another glasses issue is at play: similarity of frames. All prescription wearing Kenyon students have one of five frames. Though this does not increase my sympathy toward glasses-losing individuals, I do think it is a topic worthy of further exploration. Below are the five types of frames all Kenyon students have for their eye-glasses.
- Round– Either overly small, like the wearer is an intellectual in 1920s Vienna or overly large, like the wearer is a medium-smart college student in 1980s upstate New York.
- Square– Large lenses, but characterized by thin, not thick, plastic frames (don’t tell Taylor Swift). Owners of square frames never, ever refit their glasses. Square frames dangle 3/4 of the way down their owners’ noses 7/8 of the time.
- Rectangular Metal Frames- Always small rectangles framed by purple or black metal. Especially beloved by indoor kids.
- Scandinavian Titanium– Silver, minimalist and frameless, Scandinavian Titanium is often seen on Kenyon men who love Stieg Larsson and Dan Brown.
- Prescription Ray-Ban Wayfarers- Owned by 87% of prescription wearing Kenyon students. Virtually indistinguishable from pair to pair except for the ubiquitous, notable and specific scratches found on the lenses.