Parents, parents, hmm? Oh yeah, they’re those people who pay your bills and call you when you’re drunk/high/trying to study. Well, Parent’s Weekend is coming up so you might want to start straightening your room a little, maybe take out that new piercing, oh yeah, and think of things you want, ’cause along with your annoying sibling, your parents are likely to bring their credit cards and I.D.s. As a public service, The Thrill presents: “How to Get Your Parents to Buy You Alcohol.”
It’s all about being a good kid. Make sure you make your parents feel welcome before you ask. Send them some e-mails this week about how you’re excited to see them. Put your most impressive textbooks on top of your desk, do your laundry and make sure to grab an air freshener for your room.
For the lucky ones among us with older parents whose college years meant the drinking age was 18, there’s a chance they still think that’s true. It’s worth a shot (pun intended).
Impress your parents with your love of Kenyon (legacy kids especially): “Mom these Kenyon shot glasses are soo cute, and have such school spirit! And maybe we could grab some vodka to go with it?”
For the more urbane parents who are used to single malts and aged (this means non-boxed, kids) wine, simple trickery will sometimes work: “No, no, hard cider is an Ohio thing, but can you buy it? I’m kinda low on cash.”
There’s always the sympathy card: (tears help here) “I have no friends, please! Booze will make me cool!”
And then you can always make it a geographical thing: “Look at this drive through liquor store–so real-America. Let’s go since these aren’t in California”
Beer snob parents are nice too: “Yeah they sell an Ohio IPA here dad, hmm, no mom wouldn’t mind if you got two twelve packs, they’ll fit in your carry-on.”
Disclaimer: The Thrill cannot legally support these tactics for any of our underage users, this piece was intended for humour purposes only. That being said, if you’re over 21, go for it!