“I’m so happy my parents named me after Graham Gund! I can’t wait to get to college and get made fun of all the time!”

As we can tell from more than several Kenyon Confessions, people at Kenyon long to be in relationships with other individuals from Kenyon, leading to actual Kenyon marriages and will possibly lead to Kenyon babies, who then go to Kenyon and repeat the process. But naming your eventual child Kenyon is far too cliché for our hipster campus and, let’s face it, more than a bit confusing. Never fear! Here is a list of Kenyon-related names for your future children. Or your current ones, if you’re an alumni or just good at hiding babies in your NCA.

• Smather: Classic yet unique, Smather can be a unisex name with wonderful memories of the Introduction to Psychology class you took before switching your major to Philosophy.
• Bfec: An homage to the outdoors with the added bonus of being able to shout, “Brown Family Enviornmental Center, what in blazes are you doing?” whenever you’re angry.
• Annasun: Both a reference to a mildly popular hit of 2011 and a wildly popular sociology professor, Annasun could start a trend amongst your friends and family. Don’t be too peeved when Betsey from down the street names her child Hannamoon.
• Kokosing: Despite the possible accusations of cultural appropriation, your child’s nickname could be ‘Koko,’ which is just too adorable.
• Nuge: Cloaked in purple sparkles from birth until death, a child named Nuge would definitely be destined for great things and spiffy dance moves.
• Gund: So that you can have your darling child be a constant reminder of the man who brought Kenyon, like a phoenix from the ashes, to the place it is in today. Just make sure that they don’t ever wear a watch.