Let’s face it: the squirrels run this place. We all know it, and more importantly, they know it. The most valuable thing I learned from my 7th grade teacher (other than the concept of deus ex machina and that Atticus Finch is Better Than You™) is that squirrels are evil and should not be trusted. Those beady eyes are the window to a soul in which only darkness lies. While this is true of all squirrels everywhere, the situation at college campuses across the country is far worse than any one could have ever imagined.
Kenyon squirrels show none of the natural fear of humans that small animals should have, a sure sign that a revolution is brewing. I know they’re plotting something, and I’m sure they’ve thought a lot about the weaknesses of their opponents in the impending war. I know I have:
- People aren’t very good at storing food for the winter without the help of electricity. This shortcoming will be decisive in sieges.
- Humans are not adept at climbing trees- a weakness that will prove fatal in aerial and arboreal battles.
- College students are particularly bad at providing food and shelter for themselves.
- College students spend far too much time studying, partying and sleeping, and not nearly enough time plotting.
- Here at Kenyon, students don’t even major in practical things like petroleum engineering. Good luck winning a war without engineers, kids. Squirrels are known for their engineering prowess.
It’s clear that we all need to start planning for the great Squirrel War. So barricade your dorms, stock up on food for the winter, and for the love of God, stop calling them stupid!