Beetle Invasion: Prepare for Takeover

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The subversion is happening right before our eyes, people!

We have an impostor among us. Well, actually, thousands upon thousands of impostors. Did you think those orange “ladybugs” colonizing your ceiling corners and windowsills were really ladybugs? Think again. They’re out to get us.

That’s right, you’ve been fooled. Our lovely campus has not been blessed with flocks of harmless, lucky ladybugs. Oh no, we are battling malevolent battalions of vicious lady beetles, significantly more nefarious than their benevolent counterpart. Brought to the US in 1916 and then continually reintroduced, this invasive species has become one of the most annoying things, barring the early morning construction of the new Health Center outside my window, to ever hit Gambier.

These posers, formally known as lady beetles, and, as I like to call them, “smelly-biting-beetle-things,” are also known as Harmonia axyridis. Yes, you read that right, these creatures BITE. Except, wait, it gets worse. It turns out that when these little jerks decide to hunt for aphids they fly stupidly onto your skin. Then, what you feel as a “bite” is really them shoving their tiny little beetle legs in your skin to dig around for an aphid snack. This excavation of theirs causes large, itchy bumps. Sleep tight.

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Even if you are oh-so-lucky as to not have these little clowns invading your territory, you can witness the carnage campus-wide. On my walk to class today, I saw them flying around Middle Path like they owned the place. Two tiny rascals decided to fly right at my face. I’m also pretty sure they strategically die in inconvenient places out of spite. If you happen to be lucky enough to walk through a particularly thick patch of their rotting carcasses, prepare to expect asphyxiation caused by the noxious liquid they release when threatened or crushed. Yummy.

Okay, it’s not that bad. But feelings of hate cannot be helped when you can’t go one night without looking up from your computer and seeing a mass exodus of these camouflaged hooligans taking place on your wall. In fact, out of habit, I just now looked up to check the corner of my Lewis double in which they like to lounge to find three smug little bastards scuttling in circles. My roommate and I have developed a complex system of teamwork to systematically destroy these cheeky lil’ shits. I, wielding the Swiffer mop, crush them one by one as she, wielding the duct tape, traps their smelly corpses in the tape. Add in a little Febreeze and we’re good to go.

As of now, it looks like there’s nothing that can really be done about these lady beetles. They are rampant across the Eastern half of the country, and it’s likely you will be dealing with them until your last day in our fair village. Sorry. But hey, now you know.

10 responses

  1. Hilarious! My complete sympathies… Really well written, Miss Molly! I say, ‘dust bust those bastards,’ Dahling ;-)

  2. Pingback: Kenyon Fanfiction: A Review | The Thrill

  3. Pingback: How to Be a Person: Cleaning Up your Lady Beetles | The Thrill

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