Let’s talk about thin walls. We have them. No matter where you live on campus (first year housing, fancy suburban housing, bleak Caples housing), you can hear your neighbors through the walls. Now we’re going to hear from a first year (Coral) and senior (Becca) on how thin walls and noisy neighbors affect our (mostly, sex) lives.

Coral: In McBride, thin walls have never worked to anyone’s advantage. Yes, I hear you having sex. Yes, I hear you crying about not having sex. And, wow, yes, shocker, I hear you screaming in the halls about whether ordering pizza at 3 a.m. would be a good idea or not.

Becca: But really, I’m mostly concerned about hearing you have sex through your thin walls. Anything else is embarrassing but mostly ignorable. Sex, on the other hand, is basically impossible to tune out.  Coral, do you have any anecdotes about hearing someone else’s sex through the thin walls?

Coral: The Thursday of Fall Break, I woke up at 5 a.m., not to my alarm, but to the soundtrack of very exotic, delicious-sounding intercourse. I sat up in my bed and asked myself if this was real life.

Sexy French Girl: OUI OUI OUI OUI S’IL VOUS PLAÎT!

Guy: (enthusiastic silence).

Coral: It was indeed real life. And it was something very real and enthusiastic-consent-sounding. The person in my hall who may or may not be my neighbor which may or may not be someone that works for ResLife was capital-B Banging a girl from my hall.

Becca: I too have been recently awakened at 5 a.m. by loud, vigorous sex. However, the sex I overheard was happening in the Acland next door to the Acland in which I was sleeping. The bed was shaking, the participants were screaming and I couldn’t help but wonder how the rest of the residents of their apartment were sleeping.

Coral: It’s not like I’m horrified by it, but it’s like, do I slow clap this, or what? And I hardly think the rest of their apartments would be sleeping–maybe the sex-partakers roofied their coffee or were hoping they would just all partake together in an Aclandorgy because I don’t get how sleep would even be a possibility during all of that.

Becca: I did consider waking my girlfriend up, but only to listen in horror (?) with me. The thing is, we all do embarrassing/sexy things in our rooms, we just have to remember that everyone (including non-housemate neighbors) can hear us.

Coral: So yes, you should order the pizza. Cheese, s’il vous plaît.

Becca: And yes, you should engage in exciting, consensual sex.

Coral: But just remember, you’re not the only ones sharing the magical experience.