Whether you have one-too-many hickeys from last Friday’s bender, or are just plain tired of you mom picking at your eye gook in front of your cool new friends, not everyone is excited to see their parents this weekend. Here are some steps you can take to avoid them – or at the very least – delay the inevitable. Your room won’t clean itself, you know!!!
- Reverse Psychology – You could flat out ask your parents not to come, but since they’ve already bought the tickets, booked the hotel, and secured the shuttle, there’s no way in hell they’re going to cancel the trip on a whim! That’s when you need to pull the “super clingy child” card. Two days before they arrive, bombard their voicemails with five-minute-long messages of you sobbing. E-mail them articles about college grads living with their parents until the tender age of forty with oddly precise subjects like ” 22 HOURS 16 MINUTES 37 SECONDS AND 4891 MILLISECONDS.” Finally, when they start to get a little worried, ask if you can crash in their hotel room “for old time’s sake.” Nine times out of ten, your parents will cancel the trip immediately and recommend you set up an appointment at the Counseling Center ASAP.
- Give Misleading Information – Maybe your parents are already on their way to rendezvous at your residence. Live North? Tell them you live South. Live South? Tell them you live East. Live in Gund? Give them directions to the Gallery. If they seem to be catching on, tell them to park in South Lot 2 and pray that the KAC hill sends them back to the car before they find you.
- “Meet Them” at an A Capella Concert – With turnouts that often exceed the amount of people who show up for Sendoff, a capella shows are the worst places to try and pick someone out of a crowd…perfect. Tell your parents to meet you in the Rosse lobby, and when they inevitably can’t find you, use that extra hour to pack a suitcase and skip town for the weekend.
- Send A Look-a-like – If you’ve been fortunate enough to find your Kenyon doppelganger, it might be a good investment to pay him/her to hang out with your parents in place of you. Since most parents generally have poor vision and haven’t heard your voice for two months, they’ll be none the wiser! WARNING: If your parents are nice enough, your doppelganger may be tempted to assume your identity indefinitely in an attempt to steal your life. If it happened in Disney Channel Original Movies, it can happen to you!
- Murder – Your parents can’t bore you at dinner if you’re locked up in maximum security prison! Now you can spend 15 years to life with the peace of mind that comes with the fact that the rents will never encroach on your space – let alone have the ability to look you in the eyes – ever again! If you thought meeting your new roommate was fun, just wait until you find out who you’re sharing your cell with! [Note: Murder is bad, mmkay?]