Images via the Bulletin

Halloween is a-comin’ and I bet you still don’t have a costume idea. Cheer up, bud, you still have about a week to pull something together. If ideas are the issue, I’ve got your back. Check out this list of costumes only a Kenyonite could pull off.

1. The Gates of Hell – Grab two friends, one of equal height and one a bit shorter (or two tall friends of equal height). Find three cardboard boxes of respective height lengths for each of you. Add a little artistic finesse and voila, you have the two main pillars and their urine-plastered love child! You are now required to walk in a rigid, phalanx-like line the rest of the night.

2. That Naked Statue Outside of Gund Gallery – Strip down to your birthday suit and spray yourself bronze. Find the nearest uncovered palanquin and four willing victi–er, friends. Have them carry you around all night while you strike a pose. Take pride in your timeless, au naturale audacity.

3. Can of Keystone Light – As if there weren’t enough in Gambier already! Find some sort of cylindrical object, add the aforementioned artistic finesse, put it on. You are now ready to roll, literally. Beware, people might assume that you taste like crap.

4. Lady Beetle – Nothing screams “Kenyon!” more than these stupid things. For added effect, get your friends to dress the same way and hang out in people’s ceiling corners. For the more dedicated costume-wearers, play dead in a puddle of some sort of smelly liquid. Spray people with it when they step on you.

5. Middle Path – Cover yourself in duct tape, sticky side out. Now run to Middle Path, and roll around in the pebbles. Congratulations, you’ve officially gone off the deep end! You’re going to be leaving a trail of dirt and other assorted debris everywhere you go, so wear your best running shoes. Chances are you’ll have to run for your life after turning your friend’s tidy NCA into a disaster zone.

If you actually do any of these and I see you around, I will heartily congratulate you and most likely question your sanity.