RIP Gourdzilla 2011.

This October seems to be filled with strange things. For one, it snowed this morning. Yeah. It snowed. I didn’t move south to deal with that. Also, the government shut down. Schoolhouse Rock betrayed me. But perhaps most disturbing of all is the lack of Gourdzilla. That’s right, friends. Fall Break has come and gone. Parents’ Weekend is a distant memory. All Hallow’s Eve will be upon us in a mere eight days, but Gourdzilla has not magically appeared in the servery, bringing us our only locally-grown joy in this trying time of midterms and turbulent weather. So where is Gourdzilla? I have some ideas.

Theory #1: Gourdzilla is hanging with the Nuge in her tunnel/nightclub and acting as its celebrity DJ.

Omitted: Gourdzilla flipping the camera off.

Theory #2: Gourdzilla is actually the Great Pumpkin. For years we’ve been holding it captive, but this year it broke from its earthly shackles to bring joy to the good children of the world on Halloween night.

Better than getting a rock, at least.

Theory #3: Gourdzilla realized that he was the bastard child of Ned Stark, took the Black and is now protecting us from what lies beyond the Wall. We may not see him, but we should rest easy knowing that he is there.

You know nothing, Gourdzilla.

Theory #4: Gourdzilla decided that a liberal arts education wasn’t for him. He’s now a sophomore transfer at OSU, where he’s majoring in business and minoring in FOOOOOOTBAAAAAAALL.

O-H! I-O! O-H! I-O!