10 o’clock list: Do’s and Don’ts for the Inaugural Ball

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Saturday brings perhaps your one and only chance to party with the entire campus. Literally. The President, administrators, professors, students, and maybe even a few randos will throw down all at one time, all in the same place. If this gives you extraordinary amounts of anxiety, we understand. Here are a few pieces of advice to help assuage your fear:

1. Do: locate your personhood. That is, the sober part of it. Hey—it’s not like we’re saying that you shouldn’t get a little tipsy. We’re merely suggesting that you put away that bottle of tequila so that you feela a little bit reala when your professors are neara.

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2. Don’t: drop what yo mamma gave you. You’ve got to put the ballin’ in ballroom dance. That means you have to tuck in your nether-regions and find yourself a partner. Why not try an inauguration themed pick-up line like, “Hey girl, if I was Old Kenyon, I’d let you light me up.” Mmm. Spicy.

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3. Do: Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly. WORK THAT UP-DO. FEEL THAT TUX. Because if you show up in anything less, the back of yo head won’t be the only thing that looks ridiculous.

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4. Don’t: get weird. So plan your exit strategy early. That means, when you see a professor, you may want to find some sort of happy medium between a bear-hug and a hit and run.

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5. Do: avoid dance floor make-outs. I know that all you need is love, but don’t let me down. If you come together while you twist and shout, you will undoubtedly want to be across the universe, feeling like a fool on the hill because you realized that you’ve just seen a face–your first year english professor.

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