Having some trouble with the dating scene? Can’t seem to buckle down that dapper chap you’ve been chasing after? Fear not. The Thrill has been conducting research*. Here are some tried and true ways to terrify a boy in only ten days (if it takes that long).
Day 1. Find Him. Under a rock. Behind Mather. In a gender neutral bathroom. In your bed. Whatever. Just find him. Then, stalk him like a shelf.
Day 2. Approach him. Forget dropping your pen or spilling your coffee. Grab some cereal and drop it like it’s hot on Middle Path. Hit the flo’ like you don’t live no mo’ and ask him if he would like to frost your flakes—if you know what I mean.
Day 3. Attack him on the dance floor. Hope that it’s a weekend. It’s usually best if stage three falls on a Friday or a Saturday, but hey! Guess what! Kenyon Kupid doesn’t really care. Looks like you better get crafty. Ambush your Snookie while he’s doing his laundry in Old Kenyon. Or dance through the halls of Caples. Whatever floats your boat, friend.
Day 4. Gmail chat him. Then call him and act like you butt-dialed him. Then, steal his P.O. Box key and put a lock of your hair and a picture of your left forearm in his mailbox. Still no results? Try a carrier pigeon.
Day 5. Bring coffee to his room. Because he loves you a latte. Right?
Day 6. The call of booty. Tell him that you’re ovulating. At 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday.
Day 7. Bring him to dinner at the Kenyon Inn. Surprise guests: Mommy and Daddy.
Day 8. Wait for him after class. With your tandem bike ready to go, snatch him away to ride off into the sunset. Don’t forget to put the condoms in your fanny pack.
Day 9. Move into his room. Take a hint from those damn japanese beetles and bug him with your ladies.