The Thrill was able to get an exclusive interview with a fine shiny specimen this week. Her name is Nalgene. She once belonged to an athlete, but was lost conspicuously. We have the deets below.
Lost all-stu water bottle, how are you feeling?
Well, I’m first feeling very disrespected. I’ve never felt so lost in my life. I can’t believe he just left me. We spent every waking moment together and now I would do anything to be reclaimed by those sweaty lips after he stops a goal and saves the team. I’ve just been sitting here alone at the KAC watching other people walk in with their shiny beautiful water bottles. I’m so sad; I was kicked into a corner again and again by countless football players, workout gurus, and baseball players. After one particularly hard fall down the stairs into the squash rooms I decided I needed help. Serious help. That’s when I made the email to AllStu declaring myself as lost.
That sounds horrific. Was there any reason for him to lose you?
Well, I kept asking for commitment. I wanted to be his one and only water bottle, but he was already flirting with the idea of a Vapur, which doesn’t make any sense because everyone knows I am shinier and can last longer than that flimsy Ziploc excuse for a water bottle. I could see it coming a mile away but still it hurt more than anything.
Do you have any word on what happened to your owner?
You see, that’s the worst of it. He doesn’t recognize me. He simply walks by and rushes to meet his teammates in the weight room. The other day I even saw him with a new water bottle; some Camelback. I could feel myself cracking, but then again that may have been the crush of my plastic outside as a girl with a yoga mat swashed me between the hard doors.
I’m so sorry for your experience. What advice would you have for other water bottles?
Never trust anyone. The students will make you believe they love you, but in reality we all look the same and they won’t notice us once we are out of their lives. Hide away in that box in the bookstore. The outside world is heartless, my friends.
If you could say anything to your owner, what would it be?
I think I would ask him why. Did I mean anything to him? Nevertheless, I am done with him. I was thrown out by an AVI worker and some hedgehog found me. He’ll never be able to find me now that I am deep in the ground with my new flame. Suck it, player.