10 o’clock list: Strange Things You Encounter on Your Way Home for Break

strange places on break pic

What will you encounter?

1. Museums for things that don’t necessitate museums. Small ponies, RVs, Canals, and Creationists—they all have them. First stop on my way back to the motherland? The Toenail and Chainmail Museum.

2. Businesses owned by your universal grandparents. A drive along any interstate will quickly prove that Gramps and Gmizzle are some pretty happenin’ entrepreneurs. With Cheese barns out the wazoo (though we’re still wondering about the correlation between cheese and barns), various restaurants, chocolate shops, and candle cubbies—they’ll put the ‘age’ in voyage.

3. Porn. Or perhaps to be just a touch more gentle, ‘adult stores’. We’ve all seen the signs—along the highway on billboards and etched onto the side of white cinderblock buildings without windows. They’re usually written quite surreptitiously with lime green lettering and a clever phrase like, Videos and Live Girls. Live girls? As opposed to what? Maybe a jingle would have been more effective.

4. Bipolar Jesus. Mile 10: he loves you. Mile 50: he hates you. Mile 100: he loves you. Mile 120: he hates you. You’re going to burn in hell. You’re going to be saved. Make up your mind Highway-Jesus.

5. Historical markers and/or homes of obscure historical figures. Bad drivers aren’t the only things that cause road rage. The indiscernibility of historical markers is enough to make any history buff in transport furious. Font too small on the marker? Not sure which religious cult founded the town? Can’t tell which president’s cat was buried under that tree? Slam on the brakes, lay on the horn, and turn on those hazard lights–bitches be readin’.

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