“I like seeing limits…”

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We have to make a confession. The Thrill prides itself on its opinions. We have previously stated that we are anti-Josh Radnor, and in that same light, we LOVE Gwyneth Paltrow. For those of you who don’t already know, Gwen has a lifestyle blog called Goop where she just basically talks about her life and her daily struggles as an actress and all-around famous person. During one of our forays on Goop, we discovered that Gwyneth typically does 3-5 master cleanses a year to keep her spirit balanced and to look like a badass. Editors Spencer Kaye ’14 and Izzy Sanderson ’15 thought the idea sounded a little bit too amazing to pass up. Read on to experience our adventures with the master cleanse:

Spencer: I have always wanted to challenge myself physically, so when I heard that Gwyneth Paltrow was a proponent of the Lemonade Master Cleanse, I knew that I had to give it a shot. How did you feel when I suggested it?

Izzy: I like to participate in anything that I think will crush Spencer physically and/or mentally. So I was in. Didn’t even have to think.

Spencer: The first obstacle that we had to overcome was actually getting the necessary supplies. Including a 6-time daily drink of lemon juice, water, cayenne pepper and Grade-B maple syrup.

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Izzy: Spencer of course was broke…so I financed the trip. We couldn’t find Grade-B…so we settled for Grade-A maple syrup. We like to take risks. Did it hurt us in the long run? We will never know.

Spencer: Initially I was a little hesitant about buying the Grade-A after multiple friends told me that I wouldn’t get the necessary nutrients without Grade-B, but like Izzy said, we pressed on like Ernest Shackleton.

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Izzy: We had our last meal in Peirce…Honestly, my meal was slightly disappointing. I was hoping for something more decadent–a fancy meal that I imagine Gwyneth indulging in before all of her cleanses.

Spencer: That was the worst sausage sandwich I’ve ever had; seriously, I was glad to give up food for a few days.

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Izzy: We started just after dinner. Our goal was to do the cleanse for three days (okay, maybe five days). Gwyneth does hers for ten days.

Spencer: I think that since we didn’t do the full ten, the pre-cleanse diet (you are supposed to slowly phase out all foods) wasn’t necessary…also like Izzy said, I’m broke.

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Izzy: I woke up on Monday morning ready to go. I had my personalized water bottle and my ingredients and just went for it. Spencer had already had his “breakfast.” So I was prepared for the cayenne kick.

Spencer: The first “meal” was a little light to say the least. I had two before I went to class, my goal was to drink anywhere between 9-12 glasses a day with almost unlimited water. I decided that the way to success was to pre-make a lot of my juices, big mistake apparently, our Lord and Savior Gwyneth says that it doesn’t “take” if you pre-mix so I will blame my failure partly on that.

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Izzy: I was not as aspirational as Spence. I had like three bottles a day. The first day wasn’t that bad. I felt pretty spiritually clean…that is the goal right? Gwyneth is never super clear about what the end game is supposed be. I had a rough time concentrating on work though…probably because I was too busy growing spiritually.

Spencer: I think it was only on Tuesday that I was starting to feel a little “off.” I was surprisingly not hungry at all for the first 36 hours, I really couldn’t believe it, but I was basically tripping balls on how low my blood sugar was. Definitely not enough nutrition for a growing young adult in a teaspoon of lemon juice and a little maple syrup.

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Izzy: I was surprised at how well you did too. You thrived for a few good hours. I was a bit shocked. Day two was a different story. Woke up feeling fine. But then the craving starting hitting me. I was obsessed with peanut butter. It was unbearable. Then the weirder symptoms started, like the fact that my feet felt physically smaller.

Spencer: I would say it was about 3PM, 45 hours in, that I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to go another day of it. I was laying in bed, barely able to hold on to my phone, my grip was so weak. I think I might have been able to go on a lot longer if someone else was actually making the drinks, the shaking motion was too calorically taxing for me by hour 48. Just out-of-this-world hard.

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Izzy: True. Gwen probably has assistants or all the members of Coldplay making her drinks for her. We were lacking in that department. I knew it was time to stop when I got a text from Spencer saying something along the lines of, “I can’t go on. My spirit is feeling weak.” I also felt weak. I remember sitting in film class, watching Taxi Driver and there was a scene where the main character eats apple pie…I started physically shaking. It was all too much.

Spencer: Like I said, I could’ve gone the full ten days, I just didn’t want to do too much, too fast. Also I’m weak willed (to my future employers, that was a lie I told Izzy to make her feel better, I’m not weak-willed at all).

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Izzy: We can pretend that is true. I could have gone for days. I heard that around day seven the hallucinations start. I would have been beast at that level. I was just worried about Spencer. He has a lot of limitations.

Spencer: Would you do it again?

Izzy: Well…

Spencer: Neither would I.

Izzy: Sorry, Gwyneth. We failed you.

13 responses

  1. I hate to be this person, but her name is spelled Gwyneth.
    (Unless spelling her name wrong was a way to subtly throw shade at her. I can approve of that.)

  2. For a few years now I have been hearing about cleanses. What is the new trend? What kind of person would be brave enough to do it? I certainly am not. Izzy, on the other hand, there is a young lady strong enough for the challenge. Spencer…maybe not. I am proud of both of you, mostly Izzy, for your valiant efforts. Love the Thrill, love Gwen, love cleanses, love Izzy. Spencer is fine.
    ps- as Coldplay’s biggest fan I would be honored to make your cleanse for you, Izzy.

  3. I went on a cleanse while on a humanitarian trip. I spent the whole time telling these starving orphans how hungry I was but how healthy my colon would be. They didn’t get it.

  4. Gwyneth Paltrow hates Drunk People:

    “No. I think they’re the idiot people and I’m the normal person. But I don’t really go to parties where…I don’t really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, oh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.”

    Gwyneth Paltrow hates American People:

    “I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don’t talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties. I like living here because I don’t tap into the bad side of American psychology, which is ‘I’m not achieving enough, I’m not making enough, I’m not at the top of the pile.’ It’s just kind of like, I am.”

    Gwyneth Paltrow hates Poor People:

    “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”

    Gwyneth Paltrow hates Reese Witherspoon, Money, and Status:

    “Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, ‘Another romantic comedy?’ You see her in something like Walk the Line and think, ‘God, you’re so great!’ And then you think, ‘Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?’ But of course, it’s for money and status.”

    “For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.” 2 John 1:7

    GWYNETH PALTROW IS THE ANTICHRIST

    !!!

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