Ask Philander Chase… Again

What a babe.

Kenyon’s devilishly handsome founder.

There I was, minding my own business, when strange things started happening around my room. Fake candles being turned on. My door slamming suddenly. Someone watching Call the Midwife on my Netflix. Why? Philander Chase’s ghost was just burning to, once again, answer the pressing questions of Kenyon students and knew just who to haunt to get it done. Afraid that my life would turn into The Conjuring if I did not oblige him, I collected several questions and answers with practical advice from Kenyon’s founder.

Philander Chase,

I’m a senior and my resume is terrible. I don’t know how I’m going to find a job and I’d rather jump off a bridge than move back in with my parents. What should I do?

-No Prospects

Philander Chase’s ghost rolled his eyes. Maggots were behind them. Luckily, they didn’t get on my desk. He then responded with,

No Prospects,

The purpose of Kenyon was to prepare young men, like yourself, for a life of service to the church. Rather than troubling your parents with your presence, I suggest that you turn your life into a new, Godly direction. The church will take care of you, like it did for me.

And remember that suicide is a sin and you will burn in the depths of Hell forever.

-Philander Chase

All because he couldn't pass Econ.

All because he couldn’t pass Econ.

Onto our next question:

Philander Chase! My man! What can I get my prof for Christmas to make sure that she passes me?


Secret Santa

Philander Chase glared at me, again, which was really terrifying, not just because of the maggots, but the temperature in the room decreased about twenty degrees. But with a sigh, he dictated his response.

Secret Santa,

The commercialization of Christmas is sick. As is your attempt to bribe your outstanding professor into giving you a better grade. The only true present that you could give your professor is the gift of hard work and effort–do that in the coming weeks, and you shall be rewarded.


Philander Chase

Though and apple may work. Or sexual favors. Either/or.

Though and apple may work. Or sexual favors. Either/or.

Frustrated at the state of the school he had founded, Philander Chase asked me for a question, just one question, that didn’t make him question the moral standing and sensibilities of the current student body. This was all I could find:

Dear Philander Chase,

I swear that the boy I like wrote about me on Kenyon Confessions, saying that he likes me. What should I do? Should I ask him about it?


Confused About Love

Philander Chase’s ghost gave me a momentary, searching look before saying.

Confused About Love,

The Episcopalian Church has Reconciliation of a Penitent, but that is a private event. You should be ashamed of yourself for encroaching upon his private moment and do not deserve such a devoted, church-going man.

Search inside your sinful self,

Philander Chase

And with a dramatic flourish, he vanished into thin air, leaving only the slight scent of decaying flesh and lilacs behind him.

One response

  1. Pingback: Science Majors Interpret Campus Modern Art | The Thrill

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