A Less Than Active Review of A Celebrity Work-Out

gwyneth-paltrow-is-a-workout-wonder

Is this a familiar sight?

Yes finals are coming, yes the KAC is far away and it’s cold. Nobody likes the cold, but everyone (or at least we at The Thrill do) likes Gwyneth Paltrow, and everybody likes (okay should) prep for the coming weeks of festivities by engaging in a little exercise. Fortunately GP has us covered with a segment of her blog goop from her personal trainer, Tracy Anderson. Follow this link for best results.

Designed to be a short workout for anyone from the busy, with only fifteen minutes to spare (Kenyon student), to the exercise crazed (not Kenyon student), for whom this can serve as a nice short warm up. Necessary items include two three pound weights (text books may be a suitable substitute) and a yoga mat, (though the pile of clothes on your floor will probably do).

Tracy suggests starting out with twenty repetitions of an odd circular arm motion which requires assuming the stance of a gorilla and transitioning into a football referee with the flick of the arms. Tracy urges you to “engage your biceps” and transition into a move that appears to be a cross between a shoulder shrug  and a little kid pretending to be superman 

This lifting will make your arms stronger without creating that unnecessary muscular bulk  that too many weight based exercises involve. Alternatives, for our “on-the-go” exercisers include taking art history .

We next transition to the floor (cleaning this before working out recommended, but not necessary) where Tracy demonstrates how to kick wildly and roll around, a move not recommended for public places, but certainly seen exhibited at certain parties this past weekend. Tracy assures us that these are the same moves Ms. Paltrow performs, so you’ll be half way to celebrity status by the time you’re done.

Getting in shape is tough work but with the holidays fast approaching and the stress of finals weakening our spirits and encouraging that second helping of curly fries, we all need a little endorphin inducing relief this week. So get out there and be able to tell your parents honestly that you worked out this semester.

Though not strictly endorsed by Tracy  (she’s never visited) it is recommended that on completion of this workout you walk (not run, but preferably drive) directly to Peirce for a little reward.

Note: pink shorts, grey tanktop, and designer yoga mat are not guaranteed results of this workout…nor is actually looking like Gwyneth Paltrow…sorry.

4 responses

  1. “We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”

    Gwyneth Paltrow hates America.

    “I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”

    Gwyneth Paltrow hates you and doesn’t think you’re worthy of hearing about her time in Japan, because you’re poor and ugly.

    “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin”

    Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst example of an ignorant elitist pig.

  2. kenyon students aren’t exercise crazed? you sir, obviously do not go to the KAC and see the number of Kenyonites working out. It gives me inspiration to work harder

    sincerely
    a Lord

  3. Pingback: Help Us Get A Poster in the Library | The Thrill

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