We Are Proxies With A Lot of Moxie


Welcome to a foray into the spring housing lottery as told by two successful yet vaguely traumatized housing proxies. The spring housing lottery is the dreaded event where students who are currently at Kenyon attempt to get good housing (some kind of apartment) for their friends and/or enemies that are currently abroad. The lottery took place in the Gund Game Room, a sick and twisted location mainly because it was NOT a game. All of the abroad broads and gents were given a time slot when their proxies had to rush in and fight (in an orderly fashion) for their desired housing. Kaitlyn Burd ‘15 (non-Thrill writer) and Izzy Sanderson ‘15, Thrill editor, were a daring pair of housing proxies. Read on for their evaluations of the day where the odds were in nobody’s favor.

Kaitlyn Burd: I arrived at the gameroom an hour before my first proxy’s time-slot, and I was still scheduled fourth in my block of registering. This confused me. Who gets to a housing registration an hour before your turn? Why was I even there?

Izzy Sanderson: You were there because of me. I won’t lie. I was afraid. I needed moral support. It is not an exaggeration to say that stakes were quite high for me…friendships were on the line. I had to engage in some moderately strange interactions to convince the Housing and Reslife people that a fellow proxy was really a Kenyon student, whether or not they had their student ID to prove it.

Kaitlyn: Admittedly, I failed in supporting Izzy. I was too busy laughing at her frantically trying to verify the legitimacy of other students’ enrollment. Also, I was scanning the google doc with available rooms in earnest. I also wasn’t too great at that either though because spread sheets disorient me, and in the gender column, they designated “F” and “C.” Does anyone know what “C” stands for? I don’t. There was no key on the spread sheet. Anyway, I tried to house my male proxy in an all-girls hall in Leonard for a second, but they wouldn’t let me.

Izzy: I don’t know what “C” stands for but I do know that you almost fucked it up. No worries though. I was so stressed I forgot how to sign my names on documents.

Kaitlyn: Ok, no need to kick a girl when she’s down. After the fumble on the Leonard single, I put my proxy in a Caples suite with six other ladies for about five minutes before he fortuitously discovered a hidden Old Kenyon double. I ran to Lisa Train. I told her of the double. She didn’t believe me at first, which is understandable because I clearly had no idea what was going on. Luckily though, she found the hidden double on her list, and suddenly both of my proxies were housed! Together! In Old Kenyon! It was, shall we say, O.K.

Izzy: Good job! I was impressed with your quick thinking and your energetic sprint into the arms of Lisa Train. I was also successful. After a few arguments, a sprint to New Apts, and sheer and unbelievable luck, my two proxies were housed in their ideal choice! I feel like I may have sold my first born child to Satan to get it…but it is all kind hazy now.

Kaitlyn: Agreed, Isabelle. I walked away on an adrenaline high, but in the end it was worth it. I have to give it to my main homies at ResLife. They put up with all my erratic behavior and still helped me be the best proxy I could be! Should I have told them that I bargained to have my name carved into the walls of Old Kenyon in exchange for my services? That won’t be a problem, will it?

Izzy: Of course not. Necessary and earned.

2 responses

  1. I think the C stands for coed, meaning that space can be filled by either sex.

    Not sure if you were feigning ignorance for comedic effect but there ya go

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