I like coffee because it keeps helps me maintain the perfect level of existential panic and tastes good with vanilla soy milk. Sometimes I drink tea, or, as I like to call it, stewed leaves, because even though tea does not taste as good as coffee, not everyone always wants to hang out with a scary naturally-occurring-amphetamine freak (though apparently some types of stewed leaves have more caffeine in them than coffee, but drinking tea helps my soul feel watery so I don’t believe the experts). Through my socially forced beverage experimentation I have learned that certain packets of stewed leaves taste better than other packets of stewed leaves. Here is an ascending order objective ranking of some of what Peirce has to offer.
6. Decaffeinated Black Tea- What is the point of this? It tastes like bitter water and also does not make you feel happy or smart.
5. Pomegranate Green Tea- I always think this is going to be regular green tea but than am surprised by it’s red flavor and color. Do you add sugar to this? Does green tea need to have fruit in it? Isn’t being boring the whole point of tea?
4. English Teatime Black Tea- This is nice with milk and honey and also sometimes almost tastes as rich and dynamic as coffee. However, I would never choose this tea over coffee.
3. Zen- This tea is invigorating but also has a name bloated with Orientalist Bullshit (OBS).
2. Orange and Spice Herbal Tea- The perfect winter tea. It smells nice and even tastes more like fruit and cloves than dirty water, an unusual attribute for tea.
1. Sweet Dreams- Finally, a tea that’s not pretending to be anything other than a sleep aid. Also, chamomile tea always tastes like a blend of fresh pine floors and fresh cut flowers in a way that is extremely positive.