10 o’clock list: Upworthy Posts That Didn’t Make It to Your Newsfeed

upworthy pic

We’ve all seen them. You’ll never believe what this kangaroo pulled out of her pouch. Watch this child deliver a spiritual revelation that will literally blow your panties off. The embarrassingly easy thing you could do to gain 100 IQ points. Yeah. Ok. No. I DON’T NEED YOUR SHIT UPWORTHY. Maybe I look at Facebook because I want to be depressed, not inspired. Whatever. Despite this, we’re here with a few Upworthy posts that probably didn’t quite make it to your newsfeed. The inspiration is tangible.

  1. You’ll rethink your lifestyle after meeting this man. Bert G. String of Miami, Florida is a seventy-nine year old man. He tells us that he works at a bar and “mingles with the young people”. Well–by mingle he means jingle–that is his junk. Bert is a male stripper. He says his sex life has never been better and that he no longer requires his former daily dosage of caffein (it’s included in his Viagra). He is tan and fit and his pectoral muscles resemble an arial view of Trinidad and Tobago. In 2003, he converted to Zebran-ism–a new age twist on Veganism that excludes all meat with the exception of Zebras. He harvests the entire animal and fashions its hide into costumes for his “office work.” Since completely revamping his life (he was formerly an accountant), Bert has acquired over 5 followers on Twitter–a true one-man, cult-level social revolution.
  2. What we think about shoes and what is true are two different stories. Recent reports released about the NSA indicate that the organization has more means of surveillance than previously realized. Enter shoes. An innocent, stylish, seemingly practical part of our lives. Think again. Flats, tennis shoes, boots–you name it. Your feet are wallowing in GPS devices. High heels? The better to see you with my dear. That’s right ladies. No victims are spared. We are .99% sure that your strapping stilettos contain cameras and GPS systems. And they’re pointed straight up. At you (or more specifically, your undergarments or lack-thereof, so watch those mini skirts). Feeling inspired now?
  3. Some people talk about shedding unwanted children in 2014, but here’s what’s infinitely more important. Read Upworthy.com. Forget the children.
  4. What if we had a study on rabbit incest? Oh, wait, we do. It’s called “Everybody Already Knows About This.”
  5. Two miniature ponies reveal an essential fact of life. Last Tuesday, Floppy and Bumpy were grazing in their pasture on owner Mindy Cup’s farm, 10 miles north-east of north-eastern Maryland. Mindy says that she went to the pasture early Tuesday morning to bring the ponies into the barn–what she found was a little horsey. “I walked into the pasture, and you know it, Bumpy and Floppy had pooped in the shape of a cross. I said, well, jumping Jesus on a trampoline. Everybody poops. It’s a God-given sign. I have to spread the word.” Mindy will tour the country this April, spreading God’s message–no literally–she will spread Floppy and Bumpy’s waste as a means of promoting Jesus.

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