Welcome back, fellow First-Years! We had refreshing winter breaks, and are ready to take on our second semester at Kenyon by storm. As cocky First-years, we think we own the school. We know where everything is located, know which places will always have the best party, and pretty much know how to get the perfect grilled cheese from the Panini press. However, this all changed Sunday night. We went to Peirce to have that celebratory welcome-back dinner with friends, and as we approached our usual tables we noticed something different. New people were sitting at our tables. Shocked and a little disoriented, we looked around Peirce and had the scary realization that these new people were everywhere.
Now, before you go off theorizing how the Kenyon administration secretly hates you and hired random people to make you lose your mind, fear not. These people are only the newly returned juniors who went abroad last semester. They are just as scared of us as we are of them. Think about it, we are the largest class Kenyon has seen and to be honest our loud squeals and insufferable optimism is a lot to handle. To help you out, here is the foolproof guide for approaching the abroad-returnee.
(For the sake of clarity let’s use an example returnee. Her name is Claire, and she’s just retuned from Paris.)
Locate your student
This task is relatively easy. Find a student you don’t recognize. If there are juniors you do know hugging her that’s an even surer bet. Congrats, you’ve found Claire.
Stare as much as possible
Widen your eyes. Keep you lips pressed together in a straight line, or even better just leave your mouth hanging wide open. Follow Claire.
Pretend they dropped something.
Say to Claire, “Oops did you drop your Eiffel Tower pin? Here I found it. I saw the Eiffel Tower once in a Vegas. Lovely place, Vegas is.”
Good, you’ve established a connection. Now later that day offer country-appropriate food.
Approach Claire. She is sitting alone at a square table in extendo. Say, “Hi you look like you should eat a crepe look here I made you one in my microwave but I used beer for milk okay bye” and leave the crepe. Walk away quickly giving frantic, short looks to her.
Plan your schedule so you can run into her.
Once you see her, smile and call her a different name each time, although you know her name is Claire. Try to speak French too, even if you don’t know how. In fact, use quotes from people of authority. I suggest using Beyonce’s quote, “Est-ce que tu aimes le sexe?” and then just walk away as if nothing happened.
You now have a cool friend who was abroad last semester. Congratulations.
(Note: The Thrill does not take any responsibility for the consequences of this guide. Have fun, kids!)