After a short walk around the Kenyon campus, anybody could tell that there are all kinds of different and mysterious buildings around here. Especially as a First Year, there are some buildings that are a complete mystery to me. And don’t lie to yourselves, upperclassmen. You could still find yourself standing in front of an unmarked building, befuddled and trying to recall what exactly this strange edifice could be for.
I know I had seen these mystery buildings all the time before. Before I knew that the Wilson Apartments are a thing, I would always wonder why there was a weird NCA on Acland Street, near the Cove and the fire station. A quick gander at the Kenyon campus map was all it took to alleviate this confusion, but still some buildings are just as unmarked on this map as they are in person.
One building near the Wilson Apartments is quite the mystery. It’s almost perfectly square, built from bricks, windowless, and appears to be temperature controlled from what seems to be an AC or heating unit mounted on one of the outside walls. Judging from the lack of signage, this place is clearly not meant to be accessible to the general public. There are only a few possibilities that could explain its usage.
- Headquarters for Gambier’s stray cats: Bam-Bam may be cute and cuddly when he lays unsuspectingly on that porch, but don’t underestimate him. He has friends in higher places, or the boss cats of the battalion of Gambier’s feral felines. This brick building could be the home of Knox County’s most profitable illicit catnip plantations, vicious mouse-fighting rings, and gambling records so extensive they could incriminate even the most innocent of kittens. It all makes sense now. I mean, how else could they have survived the polar vortex?
- Peirce Cup Hostel: That’s right, the rare Peirce cups were not taken and hoarded by lazy students. They left on their own accord. Rumors have been flying around that Chef Meagan was being a bit too harsh when it came to punishment. She had walked in on one too many late night romantic rendezvous at the soda machine and skinny dipping sessions in the soup vats, and had them grounded for the foreseeable future. In fear of the restrictive cup cart, they banded together in a pilgrimage of generalized discontent and vague desires to defy authority as young cups tend to do. They were simply taking some gap months to do some soul searching in this strange brick building. Although many cups have returned home, one can still go back to that building and find the remnants of tortured modern art installments and scraps of crumpled papers scrawled with offbeat poems.
- “Lost” Laundry Repurposing and Distribution Center: Put on your tinfoil hats people- I smell a conspiracy. There isn’t a single time I remember doing laundry that I haven’t questioned the whereabouts of a matching sock or a pair of underwear. Think for a second. Remember all those socks you’ve lost? All those garments that fell from your grasp? Well, they could all be in this brick building. Here’s the theory: several years ago, facing a struggling economy and the resulting dip in endowment contributions, the administration rolled out a covert program to suck out pieces of laundry from the dryers in every laundry room on campus and funnel them to this unassuming building to later be sold on the black market. If you see any suspicious socks being sold by someone with the usernames “Dcat123” or “xP_Chase69x” then I guess now you know where they’ll ship from. This building.
Which one do you think it is? They are all viable options, but it can only be one of them. The choice is up to you.