1. Pizza Pusheen.
This Pusheen so perfectly captures that frenetic Friday-night state of being where you’re not just eating Papa John’s — you are Papa John’s. That iconic green box stamped with the beaming visage of Papa himself is your true home — but it’s so much more than that. It’s your cradle and your grave, the sweet, shallow, greasy spot from which you leapt fully formed like Athena springing from the forehead of Zeus, and unto which you will return once you finally bid adieu to this mortal coil.
Oh. Just me? Cool. Look at his lil’ whiskers, though! Look how he fits into the box! Whatcha doin’ in there, guy?
2. Pusheen Who Just Can’t Anymore, Man.
It’s early in this semester for this particular Pusheen to emerge, but come midterms time, he’ll be here. You know when it’s 4:19 a.m. and you still have everything to do and the only real option is to scream and vomit and throw your shoes and run straight through the glass wall in Gund Commons leaving only a Cartoon Network-style you-shaped hole in the wall to prove you ever existed? But instead of doing that, you just kind of sit and drink a NOS and read Tumblr and let it all ruin you internally? This guy knows.
I’m just like you — when I finish an invigorating workout, I treat myself to a heaping pile o’ KAC sushi. Does said workout consist of four minutes of light elliptical accompanied by rhythmic crying at a “Bachelorette” rerun, followed by ten bracing minutes of lying prone across a yoga ball? Maybe. Still, a post-“workout” sushi plate always gets my whiskers twitching. (JK I’m a lady, not a cartoon cat! I don’t have whiskers! Just a tiny, distinguished Pitt goatee.)
4. Gently Douchey but Lovable DJ Pusheen.
Here at Kenyon, we dig music (are on drugs/are golden gods.) What really resonates here is the Pusheen’s focused little grimace as he types busily away at his turntable (that’s how being a DJ works, right?) He’ll be mildly pretentious about the origins of the electro-dreampop album he’s spinning, but after he’s done playing, he’ll take the time to explain it to you.
5. Rainbow Unicorn Pusheen.
Because we are all such capital-Q Quirky special snowflakes here at Kenyon! Special, special unicorn snowflakes! No two are the same! Did you know John Green went here? Nerdfighters! Snowflakes! Unicorns! Rainbows! We’re the fucking worst. Don’t come here.