These days, when everyone is still in their “I’m going to follow my New Years Resolutions!” phase, the KAC is continually filled to the brim at its peak hours. The mere thought of going in the afternoon scares me. I went the other day around 3pm and watched incredulously as confrontations involving daunting amounts of non-verbal passive aggression went down over elliptical machines. It doesn’t have to be this way, and you can ensure your fun and safety by going at specific times, and using specific tactics.
- 1:00 am: Walk up to the KAC and notice the doors are locked, because yes, the KAC is never open at 1 am. Fret not, child. See those huge glass panes that make up the walls of the pool? Throw yourself through one of them. If you’re lucky, just that square will shatter, and you won’t have hundreds of pounds of glass raining down on you. If you’ve made it this far without dying or getting arrested, consider buying a Mega Millions ticket and parkour up to the general workout area via the wall directly in front of you.
- 1:00 pm-4:00 pm: How could I possibly go at the busiest time of day, you ask? First, you must spend several months learning how to spout kerosene and water from your stomach like David Blaine did. Drink a shit ton of water, topped off with some kerosene. Yummy. Run directly to the workout area, yelling for everyone to evacuate. Douse everything with your ingested kerosene. Light it all on fire. Spout water on your desired machine before it burns too much. Enjoy your workout, Terminator style.
- 6:00 am: The KAC opens at this time on weekdays. Wake up at 5:30 am in preparation. Collapse on the way there. Oversleep your class due to the misplaced, cozy comfort of that weird drainage ditch with the beaver-thing living in it. Feel ashamed.
- Saturday/Sunday at 9:00 am: Who the hell goes to the KAC at this time? Clearly only people that didn’t go out the night before. Which is valid, but did you know the KAC experience is even better if you DO go out? Stay out until 5 am, spend 4 hours in a cold, restless sleep. Wake up hungover and nauseous. Proceed to the KAC, run 5 miles. Vomit all over your responsible peers, effectively driving away every single one of the 3 other KAC patrons at that time. You now have the KAC to yourself.
- Friday/Saturday at 8:00 pm: Turn up (the incline on this treadmill)! Pregame the KAC with your buddies. Show up as a gang and scare everyone away with your drunken rendition of Don’t Stop Believin’ as one of you shotguns a beer atop the cubbies. Try playing Slap the Bag with your friend while running on adjacent treadmills. You’ll have everyone rolling their eyes and walking out in no time.
Please don’t do any of these. But if you do, neither I nor The Thrill are liable for any damages. Have fun and stay fit, Kenyon!