American Horror Story: Kenyon

Let’s face it: some aspects of Kenyon life are pretty terrifying. So when I saw that the next season of American Horror Story is speculated be focused around a circus, I thought to myself “A circus? That’s weak. I can think of like 12 things that I have to deal with daily that are way more horrifying than a circus.” As Kenyon students, we have to face situations which are much scarier than anything that’s ever happened on American Horror Story. Here are some proposals for upcoming seasons of the show.

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  • It’s 1:55 on a Friday afternoon, and a sophomore girl is heading to the library to print a paper due in her 2:10 History class. She heads up to second floor Chalmers, finds a computer, sits down, and logs in. She pulls up her paper and presses ‘print’, only to receive an “error” message. Beginning to panic, she tries the other printer. Same message. Grabbing her stuff and running, she thinks to herself “maybe I can make it to the Peirce lab in time”, but she knows there’s no hope. (She’s then brutally murdered by a ghost with a copier vendetta.)

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  • A senior who has always planned his schedule carefully to avoid a class that ends at noon finds himself standing at the doors to the servery at 12:15 one day after having to meet with his advisor. He stares in horror at the Comfort, International, and Fusion lines stretching across the servery. “I guess I’ll just have pizza for the fourth meal in a row,” he sighs, heading towards Hearth. (Then the entire student body begins to carve each other up using the brutally unsharpened Peirce knives.)

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  • A first year girl and her friends sit in a Norton room at 10:30 on a Saturday night, with an aching to go out but nowhere to go. “There’s that Old Kenyon party,” one of them suggests. The others, seeing no alternative, agree. After the long trek down Middle Path, the girls arrive at the party. After she’s given a crappy beer, the girl looks around, seeing empty pizza boxes and bodies everywhere. The music is too loud, and despite this being a small school, the only person she kows is that guy from Spanish. Panicking, she tries to move towards an exit, when she’s bumped into a wall, and oh god is it sweatingShe looks for her friends to suggest that they find something else to do, but it’s too late. She’s lost them. (Forever. They were actually aliens. Long story.)

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  • A first year boy sits in his 8:10 Econ lecture, trying not to fall asleep as his professor goes on about something that he can’t bring himself to care about. He thought he could handle this. He had school at 8 a.m for all his life before this, after all. He stares at the clock on the wall. 35 minutes left. He didn’t even get to eat breakfast this morning. (His professor is actually a Soviet spy sent to do experiments on them all. The first-year never made it to Peirce again.)

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