A new feature that The Thrill is starting PREMIERES RIGHT NOW: Kenyon Kults! We evaluate different clubs, teams, bands, blah blah blah and decide whether they are cults or not. The interviewees probably won’t tell us honestly, but as I have previously mentioned, I’m our generation’s Nancy Drew, so don’t worry. The Rugby player that I interviewed asked to remain anonymous because things uh….let’s just say things ‘got real.’

Vanessa* took me into a dark room. Bowls were strewn about, filled with an unidentifiable liquid and paintbrushes waiting for a canvas. “But what kind?” I asked myself, as we sat on plush pillows and sipped hot chocolate. Cove boxes, empty and overturned, were scattered all over the floor. Although I asked very kindly and smiled, like, the whole time, Vanessa would not take off her dark hooded cloak for the duration of the interview.

The interview got off to a slow start, continued at a slow pace, and ended with a boring finale. No jazz hands and no glitter, apart from the solid handfuls I threw in the air to signal the beginning and end of the interview.

TheThrill: When you first joined Rugby, how did you feel about the group on a whole?

Vanessa: I was nervous because they’re all crazy. But I get it now.

TheThrill: Would you say that there are secrets amongst the Rugby players that you aren’t allowed to tell, in fear of your Rugby status?

Vanessa: Yes. About seven.

TheThrill: Can you give us a hint as to what they are about?

Vanessa: Lesbians. I feel like I’m going to get into trouble for this. Why aren’t you interviewing club soccer?

TheThrill: Goddammit you are doing this so wrong. Are you a cult or not?

Vanessa: What is a cult?

TheThrill: You know, drink the kool-aid, Charles Manson, follow blindly, all the negative cult connotation-y things.

Vanessa: Oh, nope, not a cult.

Well there you have it. Although she was a tough egg to crack, I think that the interview that unfolded above demonstrates my solid sleuthing skills and ability to make people feel like I’m ‘trustworthy’ and a ‘friend’ in which ‘to’ ‘confide’.

*Names have been changed to protect the zero secrets that were revealed in this interview of solid nothingness.