Attention, Mean Nerds: V-Day is A Week Away! Change Everything About Yourselves! Quick!

It’s seven (7) days until Valentine’s Day, the least sacred but most nougat-y of holidays, and this is just a friendly PSA to remind you all to adjust the fundamental aspects of your personalities well before the blessed event is upon us. If you wait too long, people are going to be all, “Oh, whatever, he/she’s just bein’ all kewt because he/she wants candy/flowers/weird V-day sex”, but if you do it with a week to spare, you’ll be wearing everyone’s heart on your sleeve. (I really enjoyed disemboweling that metaphor.)

Some ideas for how to work “Hi, I am v. friendly and romantic 365 days a year” into your repertoire — buy Sweethearts at the Market and start distributing them to all and sundry. Stick a carnation in your lapel and gambol about Gambier like an old-timey dandy. Get a lapel.

Do whatever you want, just don’t blame me when you’re all, “Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day, let’s share an entree at Jake’s, A Place for Steak” and your significant other/slampiece/secret looover is all, “Ugh, I see through you, you’re just being spontaneous this one night because it’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s just stay home and Netflix Sherlock and eat a brick of cheese” and then your relationship slowly starts to sour along with the unfinished remnants of cheese in your mini-fridge and you break up miserably and die alone amid a sweaty sea of rotting Gouda.

What I’m saying is, ’tis the season for romance! Start getting your houses in order, Kenyon.

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