According to a student info that just went round, you’re all seriously fucked. I’m the only writer that was capable of making it to a computer without vomiting down my own shirt (I assume), and that’s just because I’m thousands of miles away enjoying a shit-free night. Something that, you, unfortunately, probably won’t be experiencing for the next 24 hours. The e-mail warns students of a short lived but significant virus that leads to puking, cramping, and pooping, and it does this, I quote, “quickly.”

So scrap whatever plans you had for tonight, tie yourself down to your bathroom, and please don’t touch me.