Every Kenyon student is familiar with the dreaded moment. Perhaps you swag into Peirce at your usual 5:oo p.m. chow time, expecting to find a table of friends waiting for you. They’re not. Maybe they went to dinner without you, or they were consumed by a feral cat on their way to dinner. Who knows? You don’t. So now what? Enter into full-fledged, foaming-at-the-mouth panic? Eat your food while walking laps around the servery, pretending to be waiting for someone? Hell no. Put your chill face on and sit yo ass down–BY YOURSELF. It’s not as scary as it seems. What if you still have anxiety about dining alone? Fear not, we’re here with a guide to quell all of your solo-dining fears.
Where should you go? Anywhere is fair game. If you’re feeling especially self-conscious, lower Peirce or Peirce Pub is likely your best bet. If you’re on New Side, shoot for a square table so as to avoid the evil-eye from large, table-seeking groups.
What should you do? Whip out a laptop, read a book, or plug in your headphones–all of these exude a certain savoir-faire when it comes to dining alone. Still uncomfortable? Pull out every book you have at your disposal and line them up vertically so as to create a wall from the world. Then, take a New York Times from upstairs, put it on top of your books and hide your face with the barricade you have just created. Now that’s dining on the down-low.
What if you still don’t want to eat alone? Find a language table and casually sit down. Offer up some savvy phrases such as, donde esta mis pantalones? Or, je suis excité (wink).
je m’appelé la bibliothèque
I call myself the library, says the krill. As a library, the krill, me, I (it) continue(s), saying, slowly: you will find the guides to eating alone within me, but first you must consume my body, by yourself.