The beginning of the year was like the beginning of a party, and as you entered the activities fair every club seemed just as promising as every human looks at an Old Kenyon Party. Full “beer-goggles” on, you put your name down for everything. Ducks for the Republicans? Sign me up. Or were you fooled by the condoms and candy the Health Center was giving out? In your excitement to sign up for the Kenyon DJs, did you also not realize your rambunctious friend was also signing you up for Paws against Humanity? Well, regardless you now have more emails in your box than D-Cat himself, and although it’s just February it’s time for some spring-cleaning.
- Over-enthusiasm: Send a note to the president of the organization describing how passionate you are and point out everything in the club that needs to be changed. Proceed to go to one meeting where you just eat everything offered and yell random things that are technically polite, but have nothing to do with the subject.
- Haiku: Obnoxiousness not your style? Are you an English major? Write the club a Haiku in an email. Here’s an example:
Love is a great thing,
So do not send me emails,
Emails are not love.
- The round-about way: Send a long, confusing essay that can be applied to any subject (maybe your philosophy essay from this week!) and at the end of the essay write, So as you can see from Plato I must be removed from this list or the classical gods may come down on you and nobody wants that to happen.
- Explain at length: Elaborate on the exact reasons that prevent you from being in the club. Below this, list all of your conflicts (real or fake) as to why you must be removed from the list. The longer the message the better–and if you still receive emails from the club, continuously reply with this exact same email until they stop.
- Kenyon Confession: If all else fails, write a Kenyon Confession about your struggles. Nowadays, it seems that the best final act of desperation is to write a passive-aggressive Kenyon Confession that has undertones shadier than Fifty Shades of Grey. Whip out that polite sarcasm–surely someone in the club will notice all the likes your post garnered and will remove you from the list.