Don’t be Stupid Cupid: Making the Most of Valentine’s Day Grams

nicolas cage valentine

Valentine’s Day can be rather mundane. Its like the bastard child of Christmas and New Year’s that Hallmark created to enhance your seasonal depression or strain your gift-giving genius. Great. It’s not even like you can just drink it away like St. Patrick’s Day. Can you give a love interest a Shamrock Shake? Ugh. So what makes it worthwhile? Well, not much– but perhaps the best part of Valentine’s Day is receiving Valentine’s grams. If you’re sick of those too, we’re here with some of the best unexpected editions to keep your V-day spicy. 

To make the most out of your Valentine’s grams, you must consider what direction you would like your gram to follow. Edible Arrangements? Flowers? Cookies? A coy note? Psh, NO, you stinking cheese of a person! Locate your originality! We’re talking animation–BE ALIVE! Sing! Strip! Do something!

If you’re considering the singing route: Grab a friend and find a ladder–there are hormones to be sung of. Get yourselves to the Gates of Hell and get on those pillars! Wait for your valentine to come your way and shower them with rose petals and the lyrics of your affection. Be sure to note that this plan is contingent upon your darling actually making it up Middle Path. With all of the V-day tears freezin’ to the ground–just make sure the trajectory of their anger doesn’t throw a wrench into your plan.

If you’d like a little spice in your life: Drop the roses where you found them, what your valentine really wants is a stripper–a stripper dressed as Philander Chase, in fact. Right? Sure. If you’re not as sure of your love’s desires, just get them some Sriracha Sauce before the factory shuts down. Cupid ouuuut.

If you’re still considering the conventional route: So after all this, you’re still going to send your special someone an iced cookie or a can of Orange Crush? Psh. I guess sometimes being a quitter is just easier. Instead of icing your cookie with a heart, try something of the phallic variety. Honestly, people like it better when your intentions are clear. If you receive a cookie with a skull on it, you’ll know immediately how your gesture of love went over. Or if you’re a Lady looking for a Lord, simply inscribe your valentine with, Today is V-day. Want to get in mine? All we’re saying is being direct can lead to happiness. Sometimes.

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