While Middle Path has slowly transformed from a deathtrap into a water park, puddles now consuming much of its length and width, the snow that surrounds it remains. Like, it won’t go away. Like really, JUST LEAVE ALREADY. At this point, with no clear melting point in sight, it may be time to ask the question: what is underneath all of that dirty, slushy, sometimes suspiciously yellow snow? Your dignity? Very likely. But what else? In The Thrill‘s first attempt at a metaphorical, semi-archaeological dig, we’re here to provide you with some National Geographic-quality answers. 

1. Your future. Still looking for it? YEAH? Well, so are we.
2. All local foods. Something must be to blame for Peirce’s newfound cabbage fetish. If you’ve been wondering about the origins of dishes that use ingredients such as “imitation crab meat” or plantains,  you’re not alone. The answer to your musings? Nothing grows in Ohio in the dead of winter. Nothing.
3. Josh Radnor. Could he be buried somewhere on the hill? We haven’t seen much of him recently–very, very unusual. Could he be creating an underground, semi-biographical Lifetime movie about Philander Chase that is really about himself? Can we watch it Ma? In the KAC?
4. An archive of your bad decisions. Countless K-Cards, wallets, cell phones, underpants, and condoms have likely made for a really fun winter for the campus squirrel population. Perhaps the more frightening realization is that the hill will turn into a very fratty graveyard, with countless cans of Natty, Keystone, and Pabst Blue Ribbon and maybe even a few long lost Vineyard Vines belts scattered over the landscape.
5. All campus parties and the Greeks. This weekend will mark one of the first instances of a Greek all-campus party this semester. This can only be explained by one thing. Kidnapping by abominable snowmen. Or, pledging. And rush.