Admiral Bone. Real name. Real feelings.

Sex is really nice and sometimes you want to have it. It’s a tale as old as time: You wanna bone, but you don’t live alone, so you somehow gotta tell your friend that they can’t come home. Here are some tips, tricks, and ideas as to how to get your boring roommate to give you some space for five freaking seconds so you and your special friend can touch each other in special places.

• Lie. Your roommate doesn’t need to know you’re getting Dirrty Xtina Aguilera style. The best lie always involves a death, preferably a fake pet death- so that living people’s lives aren’t jinxed. Yeah, I like where we’re going with this. If you hate lying, oh my god who cares, lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, and this way you get to do both. Say that Mr. Doodles died of an ambiguous pet injury and you need to console your special sexy friend, and the only place to do that is in your bed and you need privacy. You’re welcome.
• Flood your hall or house floor. I know that this seems a lot like the lying option and also extremely destructive and expensive, but you seriously need to chill out. It’s a means of distraction. You call safety, you say your friend did it, and where they are. As they are questioning your friend, you bone in your room. You’re welcome.
• Put a sock on the door. You’re welcome.
• Be upfront, text them or call them, talk it out and see if they are okay with this blah blah blah. It’s always good to consider the other person’s feelings, and you shouldn’t sexile them their night before comps or something I guess and, like, be nice or whatever, and don’t make them feel lame and homeless. It’s always best to set up a system with them beforehand. Would they be okay with you kicking them out so you can kick it in gear? Open up a dialogue. As them about their mom. But most importantly, ask them about their heart. But then ask if you can please have the room to bone.
• Do nothing and just hope that things go quickly (ooooh but oh so very nicely mmmm), and that your roommate is super chill, and if they walk in and you are smoochin’ SO GODDAMN HARD that they are like, “Lol so sry i’ll let myslf o/.” Yeah, definitely do this one.